Frosty breath in the morning

Aaaaa.

2007-01-24T23:12:00.000+13:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I'm bored.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Insatiable longing.

Kutless - More Than It Seems

2006-12-20T20:03:00.000+13:00

Is my imagination running away
Or is all this really happening to me?
Am I a prince in a far away land filled with fantasy?

Where is reality and what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding onto the visions I've seen of what I could be
It's what I should be

Chorus:
More than it seems these dreams inside
Blur reality's line
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems

Passing through darkness into my own world
Will I be more than when I left?
Never letting go of the lessons I learned
This will make a change
A change within me

This time I won't run away
I found the strength to face life's long days
This time I won't run away

'Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams...

The Campfire

2006-12-20T19:58:00.000+13:00

Today was a bitter, cold day. Rain lashed at my windows throughout the day, and the sound of the wind chilled me to my bones. And that, it seemed, was fitting to the events throughout the day.

Myself, sheltering from the beastly surroundings in little alcoves of warmth throughout the city as I browsed through the shops with my cousin. The outside world going on with or without my presence. The unfortunate circumstances that befell, akin to the rain that was washing the cold, shivering violinist across the street. Glancing at her, I could not hear the sweet melody of the violin, nor could I make out the expression on her face.

It was an easy day to keep to oneself, and get immersed in personal circumstance and happenstance.

And at night, I ventured out once more to the silent cloudy night. At my usual vantage point in my corner of the garden, I saw the lights of the city below, and pinpoints of starlight from behind the clouds. And after a while, I lay my head to the ground and stared at the sky.

The wind chilled my body, though I had wrapped myself warmly. Although I count myself as hardy when it comes to resisting the elements, today I thought of admitting defeat. But in the midst of the cold, I let my mind rest and wander as I do when I try to find peace.

I thought of a lonely man, by the campfire. All alone, with wind all around him, he tries to chase away the clouds of the night with the warmth and light of the campfire. The fire glows brightly at first, but eventually dies off. The man curses the wind, for it has taken away his only pillar to lean on throughout the dark, cold night.

And then... he realises that the wind has blown away the clouds, revealing the starry sky. Starlight lights the paths around him in the way his fire did not. More mysterious and far reaching, the soft starlight was a welcome change from the harsh light of the fire. Slowly but surely, the wind dies down to leave the remainder of the night calm and beautiful.

So too must we weather the harsh elements in our lives. Clinging on to that which we believe will get us through our struggles, sometimes God needs to open our eyes to the other things in life which are important, and can be depended on as well. The biting cold wind of suffering and sorrow have a way of revealing the starry sky behind the clouds.

And with that, I went inside. God reveals Himself in beautiful ways to us all.

Somewhere only we know

2006-12-07T21:04:00.000+13:00

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Happiness

2006-11-21T18:43:00.000+13:00

To be happy, do not add to your possessions but subtract from your desires.

Watchphrases

2006-11-02T05:34:00.000+13:00

Things to add to my list of watchphrases to live by:

1. Hope, not expectations.
2. "I would not take it if I were to find it on the highway."

12.13 am

2006-10-31T19:18:00.000+13:00

It's bizarre. It's 12.13 am on the morning after my last exam, and I'm not sleeping.

I'm sleepy, but I'm not sleeping. That's silly, isn't it? Yes, it is.

My excuse being... I'm putting perfecting touches to the video I just put together. I'm one of those people who will watch and rewatch the video that they've made to find out it's not adequate, and it has to be changed.

And changed, and changed, and changed. This is my fourth edition of the video that's being processed. And I have this sneaking feeling it's not going to be the last.

I don't have expectations. I have hopes, nothing more. Nothing more. But hope keeps me going.

Mr D, incidence rate is extremely high. Let's put extra emphasis, shall we? Incidence rate is extremely high. And unfortunately, it's quite long term. If you know what I mean. Hope hope. Although I'm not supposed to hope! *slapslap*

Gah gah. I'm talking rubbish again.

Back to work. =)

Guilt

2006-10-30T14:37:00.000+13:00

Why won't I just learn?
Why do I keep making things hard... for myself and for others?
I say I don't mean to... but I should know better.

It's being selfish, I guess. Something I'm very good at.
Perhaps it would have been better if you didn't forgive me...
Then I would realise how awful I've been.

How awful I've always been.
Lord, forgive me. But You will, won't you?
It is I that cannot forgive myself.

Prayer of St Francis

2006-10-16T10:55:00.000+13:00

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Proverbs 27:6

2006-09-17T23:20:00.000+12:00

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

- Proverbs 27:6 (KJV)

That verse has caused me to think more than any other verse in the Bible.

Physics lab book

2006-08-16T22:21:00.000+12:00

Oh, I could cry.

There's just so much on my mind, it's late, and I lost my Physics lab book...

And I can't find it...

And I don't know what to do.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH.

Outreach

2006-08-13T12:15:00.000+12:00

Last night was awesome. The hall was packed to the brim with people... we could hardly have fit anymore inside. The Lord was there, and He touched everyone. Praise Him, for His wonders extend beyond our wildest dreams, yet He still sees each one of us, still hears our individual sighs, and still feels our pain with exquisite detail.

No one is ever alone. He is always with us, through thick or thin; though we be on the sharp end of the wedge. He is with us, whether we believe in Him or not. But unless we trust in Him, and believe in Him, He cannot work fully through us, and for us. And we too cannot work fully for Him.

Personally, speaking for myself... I found the mime and Sulyn's Why the crux of the whole night. It was simply too profound for a simple person like myself, and once more, as it happens time after time, the weight and magnitude of Christ's sufferings and sacrifice stuck me in full force. It struck me once more, the poignant fact that He would die for us... that He would die for me. That He would die for someone like me, who falls again and again, who grows indifferent, who simply tires of life and people.

I couldn't stop the tears streaming down my face, nor the racking breaths that I heard myself taking. Thank you, Lord, for revitalising me. Thank you Lord, for renewing me.

Although we had planned the night to touch the hearts of many, I hadn't realised how much the Lord would touch me.

And He touched me with an embrace more tender and loving than I remembered.

Pedometers

2006-07-31T20:07:00.000+12:00

I walked 15, 300 steps today.

I walked 10.71 kilometres today.

I burnt 849 kilocalories by walking today.

Pedometers are so fun. =)

Dream

2006-07-31T01:02:00.000+12:00

Arrrgh.

*Smack smack*

Wake up, Marcus.

You're dreaming...
...and it's not a pleasant dream.

Thanks for the text, Jian. It was cliche, but you have no idea how much happier it made me.

I'm tired... so tired. Always tired.

I'm slipping down a slippery slip, and trying to get back up to the top... each second that passes, the harder it gets... and the saddest thing is I don't want to get back to the top any longer.

Spectre of the Past

2006-07-27T23:46:00.000+12:00

I just don't understand...

Past and present. Inexplicable pain.

Why?

I lie to myself. I'm not alright. Am I? I don't know. I want to run away, far, far away to a green land where there is no one. Absolutely no one. And there, I'd be free of people. Free of thoughts of people.

And even now I lie.

I try to concentrate during today's lectures...
my mind strays.
I jerk back to what the lecturer says.
And yet again it strays...
Finally, I get what he's saying...
but my chest, it pains.

I deny the pain. It's not real.
I make it up in my mind.
My mind wonders yet again...
I stare at the floor... and I don't realise.
Friends ask me if I'm alright...
I'm tired, I say, as that much is true.
That much I can give as a reason...

I try to take notes...
My mind strays again.
I finally jerk back to reality...
to find my notes make no sense.
They have no order, no meaning.
They're half-heartedly written... as am I.

I dare not speak lest I draw looks of
Pity... sympathy... anger... tolerance...
Understanding... confusion...
I don't need any of these. They confuse me.
I want to run out of the lecture hall... run away...
Run into the toilets and splash water on my face
Run away, and just cry. Run away...
I want to be anywhere but here.
And still I stay... and the pain remains.

You even make things I love hurt.

Spectre of the past, you came today. Why oh why did you come? I'm sorry. Who am I to dictate things? You were just being you... and I didn't think I'd feel this way. Please leave me be. I'm so sorry... it's I who am at fault. I know.

But please go away...

The fine line

2006-07-26T00:23:00.000+12:00

Where should we stop, and where should we keep going?

That's the real question, isn't it.

Where is the line between helping, and being a nuisance?

I don't know. I've never known.

Looks can be deceiving... don't cry, my friends. What we see, what we hear. Don't let it get you down.

Life deals us hard hands, no doubt, but rest assured that the Lord always delivers... this is His promise to us.

Somethin quick I thought I'd whip up before I go to sleep (Do wait for the picture below to load fully. It's animated.) :

Home

2006-07-24T00:10:00.000+12:00

I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to go home.

I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to meet old friends.

I suddenly want to be anywhere but here, right now.

I want to go home. But then, home isn't exactly how I remember it, is it?

When we go away, and we at last come home, what scares us is what has changed... we want things to be the same when we go back. It's that place that we grew up in, the place where we formed out first friendships. But what would scares us the most, perhaps, is things that don't change. That it made no difference at all that we left... wouldn't that be even worse?

And yet... if I could just...

...but that would never happen.

Blue eyes

2006-07-23T22:55:00.000+12:00

Lovely blue eyes. Blue eyes... baby's got blue eyes.

Cake

2006-07-23T01:00:00.000+12:00

First off, I'd just like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jian... big 22. Haha.

I made chocolate icing today.

I was trying to decide if I should use chocolate, strawberry or just plain icing for Jian's birthday cake, and at last I decided (with many comments from people) to use a light brown chocolate icing mix.

It fit the cake, I think. After all, it was chocolate caramel ice cream cake. Mmm. I think I'll try strawberry next time. (I was looking at some tiramisu recipes but they seem pretty complicated and the ingredients are pretty expensive, I think. Heh.)

I think Jian's birthday cake went down quite well. Quite pleased with the way it turned out... I've decided that minimal decorations work better than too much, and too many colours. Minimal effort, maximum results.

That's been my motto for a while. Think I need to put more work in thing, though. Sigh.

Bible study today was great. Jian did a really good job with it... I really enjoyed it.

Good luck with UMAT, guys... hope you all do really well in it! =)

Trust

2006-07-21T00:45:00.000+12:00

I know God will not give me anything that I can't handle.
I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Theresa

Hmmm...

I have decided. I know what to do tomorrow. I will. I do. It's time to make some moves on the chessboard.

Alea jacta est.

Here's a poem to end the day with... it's by Robert Frost, one of my absolute favourite poets:

A Time To Talk

WHEN a friend calls to me from the road
And slows his horse to a meaning walk,
I don’t stand still and look around
On all the hills I haven’t hoed,
And shout from where I am, What is it?
No, not as there is a time to talk.
I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,
Blade-end up and five feet tall,
And plod: I go up to the stone wall
For a friendly visit.

To be busy, or not to be busy - that is the question

2006-07-19T22:43:00.000+12:00

Word for the day:
schmooze [shmooz]
1. chat informally: to chat socially and agreeably (slang)
2. be ingratiating toward somebody: to talk persuasively to somebody, often to gain personal advantage

I finally got my Math 262 book. It was the last one in stock. Good thing I arrived before it was sold out.. again. And now, I just have to figure out how mathematics work. And submit my homework by noon, Friday.

Bummer.

Dennis, Ern, Jen, Krystal and I played pool tonight at Dunedin Cue Club. I've never been there before, although I've passed it several times. It's pretty dilapidated, but I quite enjoyed playing pool again. Haven't played pool for a couple of weeks. The whole going to play pool idea was really random, and I quite like random. Random is good.

I went to the public library today with Steph, Jen and Lilian... and I borrowed Children of Dune, at long last! I'm really happy about it... been wanting to read it for ages. I couldn't get God Emperor, or Dune Messiah though as they were both checked out at the library, Oh well. I'll just do one book at a time.

And now, after very informative monologues about my life, let me turn to my thoughts...

Am I a busy person? Do I spend endless hours with my nose buried in my books?
I think to that, I can safely say no, I do not.

Do I, on the other hand, not do any work at all?
That too I believe is not true.

But here's the clincher - Most people who know me will pick one of the two options above. Not much in between. Generally speaking, those who just meet me (and are what Jen calls Hi-Bye friends) will think that I study myself to death. And those who spend more time with me would pick the other, as they usually find that I'm always looking for something to do, like watching a movie or something similar.

So what's true, then? I don't really know. But most likely somewhere in between.

And the answer, perhaps, to the question everyone seems to ask me ("Why are you doing another extra paper on top of Health Sci?") is merely this:

I try to keep myself busy. I enjoy challenges, and being different. And also, I seriously seriously enjoy Math. =)

To round off, I recently rediscovered this song: Used to love it ages ago. It's still pretty good now, too.

Someday by Michael Learns to Rock

In my search for freedom
And peace of mind
I’ve left the memories behind
Wanna start a new life
But it seems to be rather absurd
When I know the truth
Is that I always think of you

Chorus:
Someday someway
Together we will be baby
I will take and you will take your time
We’ll wait for our fate
Cause nobody owns us baby
We can shake we can shake the rock

Try to throw the picture
Out of my mind
Try to leave the memories behind
Here by the ocean
Waves carry voices from you
Do you know the truth
I am thinking of you too

Chorus:
Someday someway
Together we will be baby
I will take and you will take your time
We’ll wait for our fate
Cause nobody owns us baby
We can shake we can shake the rock

The love we had together
Just fades away in time
And now you’ve got your own world
And I guess I’ve got mine
But the passion that you planted
In the middle of my heart
Is a passion that will never stop

Paradigm shift

2006-07-16T23:01:00.000+12:00

Am I trying too hard? Sometimes, I ask myself... what am I doing? When I stand behind everyone, hiding, yet longing to been seen. When I am silent, yet yearn to be heard. When nonchalence is my shield, yet my hurdle. Can I really expect anything, when I offer nothing?

I search, yet I do not find. Or perhaps, what I'm searching for doesn't exist. Maybe, it's been under my eyes all this while, and I haven't seen it.

Envy, the most rampant of human emotions that catch you off guard when you least expect it to. Envy, which can also creep up slowly, and consume your thoughts. If there was one emotion I'd like to banish, it would be envy. The envy that comes without warning, and totally ruins your day with its intensity and sudden appearance. When you thought you had things sorted out, and then wham-- something small, oh so small, that you see suddenly shifts your view of people.

Is this the real world, the one I've been hearing so much about? Is this the shift to reality, after three weeks of dreaming?

Does anyone see that I am crumbling inside, with nothing but stark emptiness inside?

And do why I push, and push, and push myself to the limit of what I can do? I think, sometimes, I'm trying to break myself.

I don't know what to do. Or indeed, if there is anything that can be done.

"And the greatest of these is love." It's said that anger is the opposite of love-- that love creates, and anger destroys. Well, I think that envy is equally the opposite of love. Envy festers, while love grows.

But the sad thing is that love and envy go very easily together.

Flotsam and jetsam

2006-07-16T22:37:00.000+12:00

People are not what they seem.

And we, too, are not what we seem.

So what right do we have to assume that those whom we think we know are who we think they are?

Not much right, really.

Imperceptible.

We are flotsam on a sea of eternity, showing only part of who we really are above the surface of the water. We float by other pieces of flotsam and jetsam, and we see only what they show. And they, it's time to move on. We might float on the same current for a while, but ultimately, we are not bound to anyone.

Instead, we move towards shores, and when we reach shores, we find Paradise.

Physics

2006-07-13T00:17:00.000+12:00

I think that transmitters probably have the most pleasure of
all.
-Discussion between Daniel and myself at the Link

Whoa.

Physics is heavy stuff. Don't deceive yourself, Marcus Lee. It's just not something you can skim through and hope to get an excellent mark in.

I just went through the ECG Practice exam on Blackboard... and I nearly cried. I'd forgotten so much that I had to constantly check the slides for revision. Ah well, I think that the Terms Test will be slightly better, as is usual for my Physics preparation. As for any exam, for that matter.

I am unable to do practise papers adequately, but I seem somehow more able to do the real thing. Which is slightly relieving.

My crib sheet is basically just lots of scribbles on the formula sheet that they supply us with in the exam. Will it help? I have no idea. Hopefully.

I borrowed a book from Jane today. It's called Deep End of the Ocean. It's about a boy who goes missing, and reappears some 10+ years later on the doorstep of his family, looking for garden work. Seems interesting, but I haven't started reading it yet. Physics took up more time tonight that I had anticipated.

Admittedly, I was kind of hoping to have Dune Messiah in my hands instead of Deep End of the Ocean, but this will do for now. Dune will just have to wait, I guess, until I can muster up the effort to walk to the public library.

Green. My favourite colour.

2006-07-11T00:53:00.000+12:00

I tried writing something, but I can't.

I tried breathing, and I can.

So, I breathe, and I don't write. But let me try, anyway.

One thing I've learnt - the grass is always greener on the other side. Why? I just is, because we as humans are rarely satisfied. And inherently, we also want to know if what we have is what is the best for us, is what we were meant to have.

What I want, and what I have are two totally different things. And do want what I have? Perhaps. But sometimes is is better just to accept things as they are because although it's not better, it's what's best for you.

And He knows best.

On a different note, one book I am very much looking forward to is the release of Hunters of Dune, which is book 7 in the Dune series. At long last, we get to continue the journey started by Frank Herbert in 1965.

Anyone hasn't got me a birthday present yet? =) You know what I'd like now...

For Papa

2006-07-06T02:38:00.000+12:00

To my father, for his coming birthday:

You may have thought I didn't see,
Or that I hadn't heard,
Life lessons that you taught to me,
But I got every word.

Perhaps you thought I missed it all,
And that we'd grow apart,
But Dad, I picked up everything,
It's written on my heart.

Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be
The man I am today;
You built a strong foundation
No one can take away.

I've grown up with your values,
And I'm very glad I did;
So here's to you, dear father,
From your forever grateful kid.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA!

Fegrg loves you

2006-07-03T01:15:00.000+12:00

geek (plural geeks)
n
1. somebody awkward: somebody who is considered unattractive and socially awkward (insult)
2. arts outrageous carnival performer: a carnival performer whose act consists of outrageous feats such as biting the heads off live animals
3. computing obsessive computer user: somebody who enjoys or takes pride in using computers or other technology, often to what others consider an excessive degree (informal)

I'm a geek. Or so I'm told, anyway. I don't fit under definition number 2, so I'm guessing it's dfinition number 1. Ouch.

How sad. I don't like labels.

I spent the weekend in Queenstown with Bubbles, Ben, Ruth and Sarah. It was a good weekend. Nice to get away from Dunedin, which unfortunately is getting more and more claustrophobic everyday. The thing I liked the most about the trip was the fact that the lake pratially froze over. Now that was nice. I know, I know. Very sakai right. But then, it was cool. Bubbles, Sarah and I spent a while smashing the ice on a pond, and we found to our intense delight that the ice tended to crack to form leaf-shaped pieces of ice.

Now that is cool. And I finally got to see cracks in a huge sheet of ice spreading across a pond. I tried smashing it with the heel of my foot, and then the cracks spread like crazy. Spiderwebs tracking across the pond, in all directions. Whee. Haha. And no, I wasn't in the middle of the pond. I haven't gone so far weird as to stand in the middle of a frozen pond and try to break the ice. Haha. Although, that's a pretty interesting picture.

I also had very good talks with Bubbles and Ben... I especially enjoyed our talk we had on Saturday night, Bubbles. Kinda random and jumping from topic to topic at times, but I liked it. I need to spend more time with you, I think. You're like the most undepressing person I know.

On our way back to Dunedin, although we were freezing, we decided to stop buy Cromwell and eat Real Fruit Ice Cream. It was good, but perhaps not the smartest idea. Actually that brings to mind the journey there, when I decided to try an ice cream at one of the stops on the way. I think it was at Lawrence? Can't remember. Anyhow, the story goes like this:

I walk into a shop and start making small talk with the lady inside at the counter.

"It's pretty freezing today, isn't it?" says I.
"It's actually quite mild compared to what we've been having these past few days," says she.
"Oh, really? Wow, that's crazy," says I, smiling. "We're from Dunedin. Not as cold as there as over here."
"Can I have an ice cream, please?"

Outside the shop, I realised how weird I sounded. Haha. Note to self: Most people don't eat ice creams on cold days.

Holidays are so unproductive. Haha. I need to start studying Physics. Bummer.

Ferg loves you! And Ben loves Ferg! Hee. =)

Thought for the day:
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can
understand it?
"I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."
Jeremiah 17:9-10

Thus speaketh the Lord. So smile and go on your lives.

Tom Cruise Kills Oprah

2006-06-30T03:07:00.000+12:00

Tom Cruise Kills Oprah

Crazy maniac.

To criticise or not to criticise

2006-06-30T02:58:00.000+12:00

Who are we to criticise, really? What right have we?
But then, Jesus never called us to be observers.

Thirty five minutes.
Thirty minutes.
Twenty five minutes.
Twenty minutes.
Fifteen minutes.
Ten minutes.
Five minutes.
*Ting*

Maybe, you know, life really isn't peachy.
But it doesn't mean that the other side of the tree doesn't have some peaches.
And you know what? It might even be growing cream.
Imagine that.

I think I need to stop saying things.
I tend to say thing I don't mean, and I don't think before I say.

Her eyes, all accusing.
Who are you to criticise me?
His eyes, full of sympathy.
Who are you to judge me?
Her eyes, full of anger.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Their eyes, full of pity.
I don't need pity.

Black and white

2006-06-29T01:57:00.000+12:00

Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life.
Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life.
Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life.
Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life.
Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life.
Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life.
Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life.
Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life.

Life is black and white.

Breathe

2006-06-29T00:58:00.000+12:00

The diamond in the case glows softly
It casts its light, so soft, so clear
Its life was long and full of sorrow
And there it lies so near, so dear.

I don't judge. I don't. At least, I try not to.

You know, sometimes you see someone talking, and just making a fool of himself. Talking, and just messing up everything. It's easy enough to see it from the outside, but it's not quite easy enough to see it from the inside. Being inside makes everything blur together, until you step outside once more and realise what a big whopper mistake you just made.

People make mistakes all the time. To err is human, to forgive divine.

Maybe I should just stop talking altogether. Stop asking questions.

Oh, sweet innocence of the child. Where have you fled to?

Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just today" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

That's life.

2006-06-28T01:21:00.000+12:00

Well. I want something sweet. So sweet that it sickens me. I want something to fill my tongue with it's taste, sweeeet sweeet taste. I want sugar. And I want it badly. Forget that sugar makes me sick. I want something sweet.

They say it's waiting for the right moment.

But what is the right moment?

I don't know. I've never known.

The fruit picker picks fruits.
It's what he does.
The bakerman bakes.
And, likewise, it's what he does.
The fisherman fishes.
Got the trend?
So what does the student do?
Study? Nope. You've got that wrong.
The student is just stupid.

Someone told me once, before, that depression likes company. I forget who. But when I heard that statement, I replied "No! No! I don't think so..."

I hate being wrong.

How exactly do you do the right thing?

Everyone's scared. If you say you're not, you're probably lying. You might be scared to failing your exams. You might be scared of rejection, of loneliness. I know I'm scared.

But then, I think I'd rather be scared doing things, than scared not doing things. Because being scared, it doesn't go away until you make it go away. And one way of making it go away is do something. Become a do-er.

It may not turn out the way you want it to turn out. But that doesn't make it bad. It's just life, being life.

But then...

Maybe it's just damage control. Take care of the more severe, before you take care of other things. What's more severe? You can't tell unless you're outside that mushroom cloud which everyone tells you has a silver lining.

You just can't see the silver. Why?

I'm told it's because it's a lining. And the thing about lining is this - it lines.

But maybe, just maybe, the other people on the outside imagine it. And they tell you that it's there just so that you don't give up all hope.

But really, it's just the sun shining. And that's not really a bad thing is it? Jump out of your cloud, discover there's no silver lining, and just free fall. Reach terminal velocity. Discover your limits. And end it with a bang.

Who cares what people think? They're just people. And yet we care. Beautiful, brainy us. We care when they don't care. They have eyes bored into us, which we don't see but imagine are present.

My life is not a soap opera. It's not. Accept it. It has no complications, no happy ending. It has no cliffhanger ending that makes everyone all scream and just die waiting for the next season to come out. It has no drama, it just has its own bittersweet taste. Get used to it.

That's life. C'est la vie.

Bleargh.

2006-06-27T03:18:00.000+12:00

Heh.

I don't like Windows Update. And I don't like changing blog templates.

I'm tired. And I'm an idiot. Today is bash myself up day. Don't ask why.

You don't get to ask why.

Why is a stupid word.

Life is a harsh reality.

You throw stones and it makes ripples on the pond.

Throw it again and this time is splashes hard.

Try once more to get it to skip one, two, three times.

Which stone are you? I think I just sank in the pool of life.

Skip, skip, skip. Splash splash splah.

And then it ends.

And you wake up.

And all you think about is fruit salad. And chillis.

Why do you do things?

Because it's what Jesus Would Frickin Do.

And why don't you do things?

Beacuse you're dumb.

End of story.

No more, no less.

I can't wait for the holidays to end, sometimes.

Fruit Salad.

2006-06-26T00:43:00.000+12:00

Do you know what's ironic?

Life is ironic. You try this, then you try that. And no matter where you turn, you can't exactly run from reality. Reality bites, and when it bites, it bites hard.

Life is like a salad. If life hands you an apple, you make apple salad. If it hands you bitter gourds, bite your teeth and make the most of it, right? But then, if life keeps handing you bitter gourds, you eventually tire and just give up making a decent salad, don't you?

Don't you?

I don't want to know the answer to that. Yeah, Alex, no more pessimism.Trying hard, dude. =)

Blog-tag

2006-06-24T00:45:00.000+12:00

I've decided to become more active. No more passive observer. It really gets you nowhere. To quote someone, "knowing is better than wondering, waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying."

Yeah. My thought for the day.

This post will not be depressing. I got a comment from someone today that all my posts lately have been depressing, so yeah. Big smile. I'm saying cheeeeeeseeee. =)

I decided to start a blog-tag... why? Don't ask. Anyhow, blog-tag time, 5 questions:
Just in case you've never heard of blog-tag, it invovles answering several questions, and then passing on the favour and asking others to answer them. Heh.

1. Name one quirky annoying habit that annoys everyone -
I shake my leg during lecture, and sigh/yawn a lot. I get a lot of looks and nudges from people around me. Haha.

2. Name one characteristic you like about yourself -
I like my sarcastic wit. Heh.

3. Name one person who bullies you, and what that person does -
Cynthia Yap! She hits me, all the time. And enjoys it too, might I add. =)

4. Name the one thing in the world that seems most likely to kill you (e.g.binge drinking, cancer) -
Cars. Or elevators. I have this thing where I'm sure that I'm going to end up in a bad car accident.. and I'm terrified to bits by lifts. Don't ask why.

5. Name one quirky thing that you think about constantly -
Who would bother to attend my funeral? And would anyone care if I died really? Heh.

Now to tag five people to answer these 5 questions on their own blogs:
Jennifer, Esther, Ariel, Kern and Dennis.

Go. Shoo. Blog.

Memories

2006-06-23T01:05:00.000+12:00

Sometimes it’s hard to tell fact from fiction.

No, I’m not talking about the DaVinci Code. That one’s quite obvious.

I’m talking about memories… what you remember of the past. Something present, yet intangible. Something real, yet unquantifiable.

I’ve been searching my memories lately. Some of them are very dear to me… and some of them make me cry every time I think of them. But what’s real? Memories change with time. What happened just a year ago can be recalled, but only through a crystal screen.

And the layers of this screen, they double, quadruple. They thicken with time. Until all you can see is blur haziness. And what happens next? You shatter the crystal, if you really treasure the memory. But when it breaks, along with it goes a little of the memory. And you mend it as best you can, with fabrication.

And this cycle continues… until your memory is little more than a shadow of its former self. What remains is no longer authentic, is it? Tell me, can you trust this memory? Or is it just what you subconsciously always wanted to happen? Maybe, when fabricating, your subconscious exerts its considerable influence, and you think you experienced something that never really happened.

And maybe, that’s why you shouldn’t rely on memories at all when dealing with other people. For they have their own fabrications, their own subconscious proddings. They have their own life. Is it better to let bygones be bygones, and not to rake up the past? Or is it better to dig up the skeletons of time gone by?

Either way, it’s not my decision. Oh, God. Decision, indecision… dear Lord. Why does everything remind me of…? Just… go away. Go away.
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone.

Splinter of the mind's eye

2006-06-22T02:20:00.000+12:00

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant.
-Salvador Dali, painter (1904-1989)

How do you tell what is real from what isn't?
It's all a mind game, isn't it?
What you are, what you feel. How you want to be.

What you see, what you hear
What you think, what you fear.
What you want, what you hold dear.

What is real?
Is it that thing you thrill?
Is it that which you feel?
Is it your entire life's ordeal?

Your mind is a playground.
Who plays in it? You?
Or the people around you?
Will you let God play with you?

Psalm 13

2006-06-21T04:02:00.000+12:00

How much longer will you forget me, Lord? Forever?
How much longer will you hide yourself from me
How long must I endure trouble?
How long will sorrow fill my heart day and night?
How long will my enemies triumph over me?

Look at me, O Lord my God, and answer me.
Restore my strength; don't let me die.
Don't let my enemies say, "We have defeated him."
Don't let them gloat over my downfall.

I will rely on your constant love;
I will be glad because you will rescue me.
I will sing to you, O Lord, because you have been good to me.

- Psalm 13

Falling

2006-06-21T00:33:00.000+12:00

Who am I?
I don't really know.
I thought I did, but I don't.
Why do I do things?
Why do I look for things?
I dream, but only dream.

If I opened my heart to you..
What would you say?
Would you laugh...
at my insecurities,
my foibles,
my doubt,
my thoughts?
I'm tired, so tired.

Would you leave me? or...
Would you see something else?
Something joyous,
something merry,
something cheerful?
I smile, but only on the surface.

Would you leave me?
Crying on the ground?
After you've opened my heart,
seen my feelings,
seen my thoughts
seen my weaknesses?
I asked, I did not receive.

What are we but a bag of flaws. Who are we to think that we deserve anything?

Same old story, what's the use of tears?
What's the use of praying if there's nobody who hears?
Turning, turning, turning through the years...
Hours into minutes and the minutes into years.

Friends

2006-06-19T23:32:00.000+12:00

I was walking with a friend last week to Burns... and we were talking about friends. How old friends were still friends, but there's not the closeness that we once felt any longer. How life goes on... and today, I read Robyn's blog about things changing.

I quote a person whom I once knew, and was proud to know:

Change is inevitable... the only permanence is change.

And yet, change isn't bad. Not always. Summer changes to autumn, autumn gives way to winter. And winter to spring. But sometimes change hurts more than anything... and sometimes change brings pain so much deeper than you've ever felt before.

I talked to a friend from back in my Form 5 days tonight... and it was good. We hadn't spoken for ages, since after SPM actually. And today she decided to talk to me... why? I don't know. But I'm grateful. I've been searching... and you helped guide me on my search. Thank you.

I'd also like to thank another friend who talked to me tonight... thanks for the affirmation. Means a lot to me. Hehe. You know who you are. =)

There's soooo much I want to write about tonight... but some things you just can't write about. Some things, you just keep to yourself. And a few close friends. =) Thank God for close friends.

Soul searching

2006-06-18T21:38:00.000+12:00

Minesweeper Flags score:

Ern: 4-1 ; Jen: 9-0 ; Kern: 1-0 (kinda. =))

Mmmm.

Today was... in one word, unproductive. I'm beginning to see what Jen was talking about... I have friends, I have good times with them, I have great family, I have a great life. But really... there has to be more to it.

I suppose, of course, the answer is God. It always is. How God is in everyone of us, how whenever we are generous, whenever we do good, there is a bit of Jesus in us. I need a breath of fresh air... the air around me is stifling. I need someone to open the windows and let cool, soothing breeze in. I need... a smack in the face.

I was on the phone with my mum not too long ago. She told me a few things that I didn't think I needed to hear at the time... because I felt it was irrelevant. But now... thinking back, it's not irrelevant. It's so incredibly pertinent. I think, in the span of this one paragraph, I've just received the smack in the face that I needed. Thanks, Ma. =)

Just before free text ended for th weekend, I was texting one of my friends... and he was soul searching. Mmm. Soul searching... what an interesting phrase. To search the soul for something... what interesting connotations it brings. As for my part, something he said made me wonder about my own self... Am I sincere? Do I mean what I say? Or do I just say it... for the sake of saying. Do I encourage, for the sake of encouraging? Do I smile, for the sake of smiling?

I don't know. Perhaps I need to do some soul searching of my own, my friend. I don't think I know myself quite as well as I'd like to.

Note: If this post is vague, I've learnt from the best...

Still searching for an answer...

Exams are over!!

2006-06-17T01:40:00.000+12:00

Quote of the Day:
The average amount of sleep needed by the average person is five minutes more.
(In Dennis's case, I think that's 10 to half an hour. Tee hee. =) )

WOO HOO!

Preparing for English 124... the MSN way.

(Last night I had 5 games with Jen... -Note the score above. Best game I ever played!- ... won all! and games with Ern.. won 4. Not too bad. Waiting for Kern now...)

Exams are over. Did you hear me? I said, exams are over.

I spent today in town, having lunch with Kern and Dennis, then just hanging out with Dennis. We went to various shops searching for gifts for his family, and the birthday people. It was quite interesting, really... and I discovered that there are several board games that are very interesting, and I really want to try playing them. Haha. We also set the speed record for wrapping presents, I believe. Of course, it didn't really help that the cellotape came off just before we gave the presents away, but hey. That's life.

We saw 3 (three) different board games based on the Da Vinci Code. We saw 5 (five) separate Sudoku board games... you know, some people are just milking the current craze. It's depressing, really. We need more originality.

After that, we went for dinner... and after dinner we went for pool. I'm improving at pool... I'm so happy. I sank 5 out of 10 balls in my last game... and if you know me, that's really, really good. And Ben was my partner, some more, so it was even more amazing as he tends to sink everything in one turn.

And now, I'm tired. (Note to Jen: You know, you make good decisions. I need sleep tonight, as well.) But I wish people didn't have to leave Dunners so soon...

I wish... I wish.

I wish I knew what was best
So I could choose the one and leave the rest
So I could rest assured I'd live life well
Look back with plenty of tales to tell
And not on my mistakes dwell.

When the night becomes wild
I retreat into my inner child
And see the dreams of what I feel
I live them, and they become so real
What are they Lord? Just surreal?

I found a wish on every star
That hasn't done much good so far
I don't know what else to do
Except to try to dream of you...
I wonder if you're dreaming too.

I got angry today. Over what? A small, small thing. I haven't been angry for ages. And... it feels like a part of me that has lain dormant for quite some time is now resurfacing to haunt me. I managed to to mask it... that no one saw. But He saw. I'm so sorry, Lord. Forgive me.
(This post has become quickly depressing. Sorry. Not exactly in a very normal frame of mood right now.)

Fruits

2006-06-14T23:07:00.000+12:00

Quote of the Day:
Kern used to be funny. - Steph.

Fruits.
It's raining fruits! Alleluia!
It's raining fruits! Amen!

Steph, Lillian, Cyn, Adam, Kern, Dennis and I were walking. We were minding our own business... The all of a sudden, *WHAM!* I thought, at first, someone had thrown a prank bomb near us. Upon closer inspection, it was an Apple. Apple. The fruit that caused the downfall of man, that fruit had just taken it upon itself to fall from the sky and shatter itself into a million pieces, splashing apple juice on Kern and my feet.

Not all apples take suicidal jumps. Some just get shot.

Or... it might have come from the Commerce building. Was this some sort of anti-Asian prank, I wondered to myself. I scrutinised the surroundings, as did my fellow companions.

"Look at that apple... never knew that it could break apart so completely," mused Steph.

"PROUUUGHH!" commented Dennis. He waved his hands in an exploding motion.

Upon consideration, we decided to evacuate the area. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, or so it's been said. And we did want to be doctors... so... it... seemed... wise.

And then, walking away, the banana decided to jump as well. "Nooooooo!" screamed the banana's wife. (Hang on, banana are asexual. Bummer. Oh well.)

The banana decided that was that. It was time to split.

It landed once more behind Kern and I. But this time we were a good distance away from the Commerce building. The banana must've taken a running jump.... Steph decided that the banana's remains were dangerous to humanity, so she buried it in a dustbin nearby. May it rest in peace.

Lessons we can learn from this event:
1. Dennis has to eat more fruits.
2. Fruits can be suicidical.
3. Commerce Building is so tall that fruits can go past terminal velocity and go *splat!* on the pavement below.

Appreciation

2006-06-13T21:33:00.000+12:00

Chem's over! Woo hoo! =)

There's been a lot of love going around. A lot of... appreciation. And... yeah.

Well... I guess here's my list of people whom I want to appreciate. No names, but I hope you guys know who you are. =)

I appreciate the guy who I went to tuition with back in Malaysia, but whom I only really got to know well this year. I appreciate that he's become one of my closest friends, and I appreciate that he's allowed me to call him my friend. I appreciate your making me smile when I'm down.

I appreciate the guy who I just met this year, who is as unmotivated as I am, but whom I can always turn to if I need to talk about what's troubling me at night. I appreciate that I can confide in him what I would not tell anyone else, and that he listens to me, gives me advice, and sometimes just listens. I'm proud that I am your friend.

I appreciate the girl who was there for me when I was going through a low period of my life, who is always there when I want to talk to her, who I text to heaps. I appreciate that you always reply, that you're always there when I need a hug, and that you're such a great friend to me.

And the list goes on... but I'll stop there. Not that I don't appreciate a lot more people, but these three really mean a lot to me at this point in my life. Thank God for putting you three in my life, for you guys have meant the world to me these past few weeks.

Will post up photos of pool later. =)

Whiskey Lullaby

2006-06-12T19:23:00.000+12:00

I have no words for tonight. Instead, once more, I present you with a song, Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss (thanks Ariel):

She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

1st Chorus:
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

The rumors flew but nobody know how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

2nd Chorus:
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

Chem 112

2006-06-12T02:29:00.000+12:00

Above: Chemistry on MSN, backside attack.

Voltage Sensitivity Detector (VSD) - region in voltage-gated ion channel that detects changes in
membrane potential

Selectivity Filter (SF) - region in voltage-gated calcium channel that determines whether it will allow the passage of calcium rather than sodium or potassum ions

Gmma Amino Butyric Acid - The most important inhibitory neurotransmitter in the brain

I-Glutamate - Major neuroaccelerator (Brain excitant)

Clopidogrel hydrogen sulphate - a type of platelet aggregation inhibitor used to treat angina.

Chem is driving me slightly nuts.

Thanks, Jane for introducing this song to me:

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

-Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance

Turmoil

2006-06-11T19:57:00.000+12:00

If a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy him by asking if there’s anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
– Edward Watson Howe

No. I do not like being confused. I am but a puppet...

Turmoil...
A puppet with two masters
Whom shall he follow?
They pull me with strength
Will he break?
They seem to not see each other.
What should he do?
One protests, the other extensive.

These masters are ruled in turn
Who are they to dictate his life?
The Master guides them.
Whom should he follow?
He lives in silence, his strings invisible.
Indecision is a choice itself.
Who is to say one better than another?
I protest to that.

Judge not, that ye be not judged
No one is all encompassing.
He is an amalgam, something new.

Lord, give me strength. In doubt, I turn to You.
If you love me, respect me. Don’t put me between a rock and a hard place. If you love me, don’t ask of me that which I cannot give. Respect me, respect my wishes, respect who I am. Respect what I believe in, and what I am doing now. Don’t be a puppeteer. Don't break me. And if you can’t do that, at least respect God.
Please, if you do not know what I am talking about, don’t ask. Let me have my silence. But if you care for me, give me a hug.

Paraguay

2006-06-11T02:41:00.000+12:00

Lifted straight off the Mirror.co.uk :

PARAGUAY means "water that goes to the water" yet it is a landlocked country. Despite this, its navy has 21 ships.
DUELLING is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
PARAGUAY'S national motto is "Peace and Justice" yet it is the 10th most corrupt country in the world, according to justice watchdog Transparency International.
MORE sightings of Adolf Hitler are reported in Paraguay than in any other country.
THE national dance is the polka.
AUTHOR PJ O'Rourke once wrote: "Paraguay is nowhere and famous for nothing."
NAZI death camp doctor Josef Mengele fled to Paraguay and stayed there hidden from justice for 35 years.

Hmm.....

Psalm 23 (Student Edition)

2006-06-10T23:10:00.000+12:00

Math was quite good. Much better than I thought it would be... I managed to finish all the questions just in time! =) Now, hopefully I don't get any careless mistakes... but that's just wishful thinking. Maths and careless mistakes go hand-in-hand like Kern and Kern moments. Tee hee.

Anyways, just wanted to share something that happened during my Math exam... I could do all questions except 1, because I kind of skipped that part when I was studying (my notes had it under the "Advanced section - Just for Fun!") So I was sitting down there looking at my exam paper, thinking. Hmmm hmm. My mind was pretty blank, but then I started trying to derive a formula for it... and 5 minutes before the exam ended, I managed to get one!

I was so happy. I scribbled down the answer, and now hopefully that's all good. Thank God, because He put the formula in my brain. It's quite uncanny, because Dennis was reading Psalm 23 (Student Edition) at G12 just now, and one line just smacked me like a ton of bricks. It was like He was trying to tell me He does exist... by waving a hand in front of my face. I get it now... =)

Went for dinner at the Asian. Been there waay too many times recently for my liking, but today's meal was not Crispy Chicken on Fried Rice. Jessica had the foresight to order a set meal... which was great! Mmm. The guys and I got our own table apart from the rest, as we did yesterday. I think I notice a trend here. Hmm. But our table was the exciting table, and we had very interesting conversations.

Which brings me to the Quote of the Day:

(Asking the waitress innocently) Do you want to hire me?
- Kern

Go figure.

Then we went singing on the streets of Dunedin... attracting some weird looks, I might add. Quite enjoyable.

I received 2 random texts tonight. One of them was from a friend whom I do not talk to very often, and I was pleasantly surprised... Thanks, if you're reading my blog, and you know who you are! =) God does work his way through man, have no doubt about that. He'll always find a way to brighten up a gloomy person's day, so the next time you feel that you should text, or talk, or call or just visit someone, go ahead, because God might be using you to help another person in his life!

I want Sky! I want Sky! =(

Fear...

2006-06-09T21:51:00.000+12:00

Specially for you, Dennis... lol.

Fear is the path to the Dark Side!
Fear leads to anger...
Anger
leads to hate...
Hate... leads to suffering!

Ok, I'll go study now. Heh.

Salmon!

2006-06-09T21:05:00.000+12:00

I had Biol 111 today. It went... so-so. Not the best paper I've done, perhaps, but not the worst either... I came out half an hour early to work on my Algebra. I managed to write out all the formulae for Algebra... not proving so easy with Calculus. Sigh.

Trudge through.

Ming just left, after coming up to cook dinner for my brother and I. So touched. Such good food, too... Ming's salmon is the best in the world! Hehe. (Note: salm·on, sámmen. I get it right now!) Anyways, I was really grateful, as I wasn't planning to eat dinner, having had a very filling lunch. But Ming outdid himself, and I must say I was quite happy that I decied to eat dinner after all!

THANKS MING! =)

Now to get down to work for Maths tomorrow... Sigh. Very sian. But, I'll get through it... anyone who's downtown tomorrow and wants to eat lunch with me or something at 12.30 pm after Math, do text me...

Kern, Daniel and I visited Dennis's room at Cumberland today for the first time. Nice room, Dennis. Very nice. And neat too! (Note to self: Everyone's room that you visit is impossibly neat Clean up your own room!!!!)

Damien Rice... Love Damien Rice! is songs are soooo good... simple, yet effective, with meaningful lyrics. I'll end with my favourite bit from The Blower's Daughter, by Damien Rice. The lyrics might seem strange, but there you are.

Girl:
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
leave it all behind?

Guy:
I can't take my mind off you...
I can't take my mind off you...
My mind... my mind... ...until I find
somebody new.

Naive faith

2006-06-08T20:29:00.000+12:00

Right now it's what I call switchover time.

It's that time when the night goes from being early, to being late. After all, 8.15's early, but 9.oo's just way too late, isn't it? Sigh. I need to get work done.

When I went down for Maths tutorial today, I got off the bus as usual, and started walking towards St Davids, texting on the way. And just outside the Green Acorn Cafe, I was scared out of my wits when out of nowhere, this freaking Korean appeared in front of my face, talking loudly on his phone. The guy nearly bumped into my face, but he didn't seem to see me... He shocked me to bits with the oh-so-loud "Wahwahwah" (At least that's what it sounded like) he was saying into the phone.

That was my scare for the day.

At Maths tutorial, I found out to my pleasant surprise that my lecturers were there! Not the tutors, but the lecturers themselves... Dr John Curran, my favourite Maths lecturer was great at explaining the probability bit which confused me. He had bad breath today, though, sadly. When I asked Dr John Shanks abou the 5 Calculus questions from the 2005 Semester 1 and 2 papers that I couldn't do, he said "Mmm. I wouldn't worry about those."

Apparently, this year he didn't focus on those types of questions.... Urrrk. You caused me a lot of undue stress this week, Dr Shanks!!

(Random thought of the day: Why are all the Math department lecturers Johns? John Harraway. John Shanks. John Curran. Hmmm.)

I was thinking about Dennis's comment today, "You find out how lonely you are when you're studying just before the exams." That's so true... and I'm glad that I didn't study alone this afternoon! Thanks to all my afternoon study room buddies...!

Oh, and we had M&Ms this time, too. I learnt that there are milky, crispy and nutty type M&Ms. You learn something new every day.

Lastly, in reference to a friend's blog...

Naive faith. I used to have heaps and heaps of that... and I wouldn't worry about anything in the world at all, because I knew that everything would be alright. That God was looking out for me. That was why I never really got much stress at all...

Naive faith is what we all should aim for, I believe. You don't need to second guess God, and keep asking, "Why is this so? Does this mean I shouldn't..."

God knows best, and He will reveal all in His time, for His glory.

I think that's really why Jesus loves children so much. They have so much naive faith. "Will Santa Claus bring me lots of presents this year, Mommy?" "Of course, sweetheart."

And they believe you. It's what we lose, when we grow up. So, cling on to naive faith, my friend... (you know who you are) it's God's gift to you!

A smile [smīl]

2006-06-08T00:34:00.000+12:00

Physics homework is due on Friday, at 5.oo pm... and I haven't done it yet. So I did what everyone else did... I cheated. Sigh. I selected A for the questions, then submitted, then B... and so on. I'm safe now... 2 weeks isn't enough to do Physics, not with all the exams coming on. I'll make it up with the next few modules, I promise...
*will*put*effort*into*physics* *will*do*homework*properly* *will*attend*lectures*faithfully*

I just checked my mail... thanks Dennis, and Cyn for the emails... =) I also read the exam timetable lineup for people in Homegroup this semester... guess what I've learnt?

1. Robyn and Corinne (or is it Corrine, as the email says? I could've sworn it was Corinne...) take Math 170. Wowz. Smart girls, they are.
2. Ern does Health Science! Probably not the first time he's gotten this, but hey, honourary Health Sci student he is!

Great job though, Angela! =)

In another email, I found out as well that choir is going to perform for the RSA concert in 2007 as well... Haha. Should be fun... Apparently we're singing with Jud Arthur from the Australian Opera. Not that I know who she is, but yeah... Choir Ball is $40, on the 29th of July. That's the weekend after UMAT, guys! Wanna buy tickets? ;-) Might be a masked ball... haha.

Tomorrow's going to be a busy day. Up at 8.30, do Maths till lunch, then go to Uni for a last minute Maths tutorial to ask some desperate questions about why my brain isn't functioning in a proper way, and why some questions make absolutely no sense at all. Bummer. There's another tutorial on Friday which I was actually planning to go for, until I found out it's during the Bio exam... which completely rules it out. Sigh. Mehness!

What do you call drinking milk to relieve stress? Comfort drinking? Because that's definitely me, I'm finding... after I get bouts of stress (which is a LOT lately!) I go to the fridge, get milk and drink a nice, cold glass of milk. Mmmm. But so fattening. Sigh.

Tonight's a good night... because... although've not done as much study as I'd have liked to, my personal issues have been... soothed. Not abolished, but soothed, with hopes of a better tomorrow. Shores are on the horizon indeed. All hope is not lost, and we should SMILE for God's smiling down on us!

The joy of the Lord is our strength, and the power of His spirit is in our soul!

This is for you... you won't read this, but it's for you...

We spoke. We speak.
Will we speak again?
Our words passed are...
What are they?
They are transient, arbitrary.

Do I imagine what I feel?
Do I imagine something better?
Is it merely my scant hopes and dreams?
Or do you too, share what I feel?

It was fleeting, perhaps nothing
but tonight I will sleep easier
Hopes have been rethreaded...
...and hung once more for me to see.

Hope is good, even baseless hope.
Is mine hope baseless? I pray not.

Proof by Mathematical Induction

2006-06-07T20:49:00.000+12:00

Today, today.
Stop being moody, Marcus Lee.

I went to Savoury Japan for dinner today, because I was feeling rather down and my brother decided we should eat out. I had chicken fried rice... and it felt really, really nice to eat fried rice that was NOT cooked by me, or my brother.

It was good.

Life is good.

Jen, you left us.

For now, I just need to remember:

P (k) ⇒P (k+1), so P(x) is true ∀ n ∈ N, by PMI.

Blogthings

2006-06-06T20:01:00.000+12:00

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.
You give and take equally in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

Sadly, quite accurate on several points.

Revision BATs 3

2006-06-06T16:34:00.000+12:00

I tell you... John Dot's weeeird.... Look at what he asked as a question in Revision BATS 3.

Well done you have now completed over 100 BAT questions. But just how good are you? When attempting a multi-choice question in a test or an exam what is the most important thing to do?

A. Rush through and make a guess.
B. Read the question carefully, examine the possible answers in great detail and hopefully select the correct answer.
C. Read the question and answers. Read them again, paying particular attention to whether you are looking for the incorrect or correct statement and then select the correct answer.
D. Read the question and answer, think of the telephone number of your best friend, keep dividing this by 4 until you get a number less than 5, and if it is a 1 select answer A, a two select answer B and so on.

Yes, John, I'm sure D's the right answer!

Phone call

2006-06-05T22:52:00.000+12:00

I just got frightened to bits.

I was online, and then my phone vibrated. I got a message from my mum’s phone, saying “Are you online? Tried calling, but couldn’t get through.”

That sent a chill up my spine, as I thought that something had happened, back home, back in Kuching.

I remembered what happened, just over four years ago… when my mother fell ill, and they brought her to the hospital, and how she almost died. How she had a 10-hour brain surgery done on her… and how scared I was then. And… all the possibilities just started running through my head.

You see, she had complained of tightness in her head just last week, but the doctor told her it was tension headaches… And all I could think about while I disconnected was the thought that something had happened to her… something had happened to my wonderful mother, the queen of my heart. A repercussion? The doctors did say that it was likely to happen again… but they said 10 years…

And then she called.

She was fine. I was so relieved that I couldn’t really say anything to her…

She called to tell me to take care, and not to let myself get cold in the snow. She had just got the pictures that my brother and I had emailed back… and she was worried about us.

Thank God, that nothing happened to her.

Thank you Lord, for my mother.

Schism

2006-06-05T20:56:00.000+12:00

Your face... Indifferent, tired
Your eyes... Glittering, cold
Your voice... Controlled, curt
Your words... Dismissive, short
Your posture... Detatched, aloof
Your denial... Injures, wounds

Your heart... Focussed on Him
Your song... Expressive, praising
Your laughter... strikes a chord in my soul
Your dismissal... hurts deeper than you know
Your message... what does it mean?
Your words... what do they say?

Our masquerade... There, ever perpetuating
Our charade... Continuing, ever enduring
Our eyes... Avoiding, never meeting
Our lives... Flowing, never touching
Our places... Opposing, never seeking
Our dreams... Divergent, never meeting

We see, yet we do not feel
We voice, yet we do not think
We ache, yet we deny
We run, yet we cannot hide
We cry, but only in shadows
We die, and yet we live on

Until the day comes... when... we can hide no longer
Until the day comes... when... doors are forced open
Until the day comes... when... tears are exposed
Until the day comes... when... denial is no longer an option
Until the day comes... when... we are vis-à-vis
Until the day comes... we will continue this façade.
And yet... the best time to love is NOW.

Disappointment

2006-06-05T14:37:00.000+12:00

I wish I could study... study distracts. I need to study. I need to... I need to study.

I wish I didn't feel so disappointed so easily.

I wish... I wish.

I wish I didn't have expectations of myself.

Why can't I see what's good, instead of focussing on everything else?

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
- James Blunt, Tears and Rain.

I like snow days...

2006-06-05T00:08:00.000+12:00

It's photo blog time! =)

This is me, standing in a pretty heavy snow shower...

This is me, making the first snowprints on my front lawn! =)

This is the steps down to the garage, which is also featured in the post below.. see how much the snow has grown!

This is Continental Soup - 50 cents off at Pak n Save.

This is Continental Soup - ready in my brother's and my cup... =) Warm drink for a cold day...

...and these are snowmen, made by Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes fame! =)

On the fourth day of winter, my true love gave to me...

2006-06-04T20:29:00.000+12:00

IT'S SNOWING! Hehe. Yay! My weather forecast wasn't as bad as I thought, then! :-) The picture below was taken just after it started snowing... -0.4 degrees Celsius...

It's dark, I know, but you get the general idea. :-) Although it's been hailing and snowing on and off, I think it'll probably settle so tomorrow we'll have a nice snow covering to wake up and see.

My condolences to those who live downtown...

G12

2006-06-04T19:24:00.000+12:00

My blog scared someone to bits on Friday night, apparently... Lol. That's funny! I'm sorry, but that's pretty hilarious... :)

Last night was a good night... I had a talk with some friends, and one which I think I needed more than I thought I did. And now it's all good, so thank God for friends who understand, support, and are just the best things in the world! :-)

Photos from G12 last night... Ariel playing her song, Haunting Skyline, and everyone looking on in rapt attention and awe. Awww. :) Note Dennis's red gloves, which he got for 50 cents. (Note: pictures are taken on my phone, quality of which kinda sucks... so yeah... :-) )

Today was a pretty mellow day. Went to sleep at an ungodly hour, as I was too engrossed texting... Free text, I'm gonna miss you! Sniff, sniff. Woke up at 9.40 am, as usual, just barely making it in time for church at 10. Went shopping at Pak n Save, then had lunch in the garage with my brother, as we bought lunch from town and decided that the car was warm, so we should stay and eat lunch in the car.

No, we're not weird. After all, today was a really miserable day... rain falling the whole day, basically, and no sign of the snow that I so cheerfully predicted the night before. Sigh. Mehness.

I'll just share part of a song that stuck in my head after church today, one that I really liked and one that spoke to me...

Christ be with us as we go,
Let this blind world see and know
Let us carry blinding bright
The world's only saving light.

If plants smoke, do their stoma fill with tar?

2006-06-02T20:19:00.000+12:00

Today when was walking down to Uni, and I slipped, skidded and slid down the hill several times. Was not amusing... now I have several abrasions on my left hand from trying to stop my slide down the pavement. I finally figured out that if you're sliding down on your bum down the pavement, don't try to stop yourself with your hand... it so does not work, and it just causes injuries. So, you should just let the slide take it's full length.. unless of course, you're on a really, really steep hill and are gaining speed, or you're sliding out onto the direction of oncoming traffic.

I saw a smoking bush today. Bushes have now gotten the bad habit of smoking, as well... I tell you, humans have a bad influence on plants.

"I'm worried about the plant," says Las.

Thankfully, Alastair had the presence of mind to put out the cigarette by tossing Jessica's drinking water on the plant... while Dennis, Kern, Jennifer, Jessica and I were all still "oooh" and "aah"-ing at the guilty plant. Kudos to Las, for being concerned about the plant's health.

On a total tangent, I need to learn to be more grateful about where I am, and not keep focussing on the parts of my life that I can't control, but seem depressing. I need to keep telling myself, You're blessed, so blessed! Can you not see what God has given you in your life? It's all too easy to see what you think He hasn't given, without realising that you have so much.

I guess one starts by appreciating what one has already... and thanking God for it!

So, for today, I'd like to appreciate
1. The walk down to Uni... it was a beautiful, fresh morning.... Praise the Lord! :)
2. The friends I found at Uni... although perhaps we didn't get as much work done as we might have liked, I enjoyed your company.... Thank you, Jesus! :)
3. The test I took today... You were with me, Your hand guided me... All things be Glory to You!
4. The absolute love, joy and cheerfulness I feel when I'm with friends... Thank you, Jesus, for giving me such awesome friends...

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk behind me and be my friend.
- Albert Camus

Maths

2006-06-01T22:50:00.000+12:00

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

I can't do Maths. I can't do Maths...

I caaaaan't doooooo Mathssssss...

I'm going to fail Maths 170...

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

My chaotic [kay óttik] room

2006-06-01T19:31:00.000+12:00

I'm deaf today.

When I woke up and showered this morning, some water got into my ear, and I'm deaf. I've spent a lot of today asking people to speak louder... Quite sad, really. I managed to get about half out of my ear, by jumping up and down hard for ten minutes straight... but the other half is doggone stubborn. The jumping made me all light headed too.

Then when I got back from Uni today, I thought, hmm... maybe if I jump now, it'll come out. So when I took my night shower, I tried jumping... and guess what? Joy, it did come out! :-) But before you get all excited... My other ear decided it wanted some water too. So now I'm stuck with the other ear deaf.... Meh!

I've decided I need to clean my room... I was looking for some ear swab things to clean my ear, in the hopes that I might get the water out, and I discovered it fell behind my desk. Along with the sheet music for May It Be (Aah! So that's where it went...). So I tried to reach behind the desk, but my hand's not long enough, so I called my brother, whose hands are a lot longer than mine, to help me.

He didn't manage to get it, but he did manage to knock my lava lamp behind the desk as well... I managed to grab most of the lamp before it fell in, but the little hat that sits on top of the liquid portion fell on top of May It Be, which incidentally was stuck three quarters of the way down behind the desk. So I tried reaching for it, unsuccessfully... Then my brother tried, and he pushed the little hat off the sheet music, and onto the ground... Meh.

I ended up moving my desk all the way back, and clambering on it and behind it, and grabbing stuff with my foot... It was quite an awkward position. But I've come to the conclusion that my feet are quite good at holding items... :-)

I need to clean my room...

Motivation [mōtə váysh’n]

2006-05-31T21:49:00.000+12:00

For the first time in ages I met my cousin online today... Was great to talk to him again! :-) Man, I miss people back home... He seems to be really into band once more. Why am I not surprised? All the best to St Joseph's School Band, I say... and hopefully you guys actually improve this year, yeah? ;-)

Today I wore a red shirt to Uni. Received an extraordinarily large amount of comments on it... "Wah, so red..." "Cause you're wearing a red shirt mah!" I'm still not sure why that's so... but I found it quite funny.

Apparently I'm really blur... Which I guess is really no surprise. Mel and Josh told me that they were calling up my name from up in the Link and I was oblivious to them... Too interested in the girl I was with, they surmised. Yeah... well, I can stare at people and just not see them.. so yeah, if you ever wonder why I don't say hi, it's probably because I don't see you. So, note to friends, wear red... lol. Seems to attract attention (as I found out today). Dennis, my friend, I'm not sure how exactly you do it almost everyday. Haha...

I finally got down to doing my practise questions for Math 170 Mastery test 4... will attempt the test tomorrow. Wish me luck... not exactly the thing I'm best at - I'm just so unmotivated right now that it's not funny. (Me, and some other guy who likes wearing red... have absolutely no motiavtion at all. Mehh.) With exams just over a week from now, I really need motivation... after all, they say that

"With the right lever, man can move a mountain." -Anonymous

Then again, I think I'm a pretty immovable mountain... So that just means I need to find a more suitable lever, right? Right? Of course... The glass is still half full. I think. Or at least, it's slightly less than half full. Speaking of glasses...

Kern and I got iced chocolate at Eureka's today... it was just sliiiightly disappointing. After the rave reviews that Jenny was giving me, it was undoubtedly rather dissatisfying... Jenny! That was $5!! Meh... Percolater's is much better! I think it's the fact that they have a Cadbury's Flake® with their iced mochas that wins my heart over.. after all, who can argue with a Flake®-y heart?

Note to self. Coherence, cohesion, flow and logic are all essential in Engl 124. Luckily, it's not essential in blogs...

Questions and Colourblindness

2006-05-30T21:09:00.000+12:00

One of the most frequent questions I get is when people just discover that I'm colourblind... although actually I must say that I do get this from people who have know me for ages.

"What colour is this?"

Meh. It's the most annoying thing one can ever ask, I believe... And not very sensitive either, I think. These I usually answer with a forced smile, and a, "What do you think?" Colours are arbitrary. Proof of this is in the fact that I can tell you what colour it is, and usually be right.

So for the benefit of the not colourblind, let me tell you what it's like to be me... I am not red-green colourblind, but protanomalous, or more commonly known as red-weak.

This is red. It's easier to see red when it's bright... Let's turn it darker, shall we?
This is still vaguely discernable as red. The darker it gets, the harder to see...
This is vaguely red... harder to see as it's thinner, but still quite obvious...
This is black for all I know...
It becomes harder when only some words are red... All you see is that certain words seem different, but it's hard to pinpoint why... Upon straining, you can vaguely make out it seems different colours.
And when individual letters are red but the rest black, it's nigh impossible to tell.
Last example....
These sentences look the same. These sentences look the same.

Which is why I can tell you why an object is red, but I can't distinguish the red mitochondria on Ruth Napper's slides, or why it's just hell to find a red laser pointer on a screen.....

Let me refer you to this website... it has a good description of colourblindness for you. I quote below the relevant section to me...

Protanomaly (one out of 100 males)
Protanomaly is referred to as "red-weakness," an apt description of this form of color deficiency. Any redness seen in a color by a normal observer is seen more weakly by the protanomalous viewer, both in terms of its "coloring power" (saturation, or depth of color) and its brightness. Red, orange, yellow, yellow-green, and green, appear somewhat shifted in hue ("hue" is just another word for "color") towards green, and all appear paler than they do to the normal observer. The redness component that a normal observer sees in a violet or lavender color is so weakened for the protanomalous observer that he may fail to detect it, and therefore sees only the blue component. Hence, to him the color that normals call "violet" may look only like another shade of blue.

From a practical stand point though, many protanomalous people breeze through life with very little difficulty doing tasks that require normal color vision. Some may not even be aware that their color perception is in any way different from normal. The only problem they have is passing color vision tests.

Now for my question for the day...

"If you didn't know how things would turn out, would you still risk it all in the hope of something better?"

If your answer is "Yes", then let me ask you... why? Is it worth anything? I know the cliche about stepping out of your comfort zone, into a bigger world. And the sad thing is, I used to believe that... and maybe, deep down, I still do.

If your answer is "No", then once more, I want to know why... Is it because you think that what might happen is worse than what already is? Do you hold on tight to the vague notion that things can indeed get worse, and will if you do something?

I wonder what exactly the right answer is... and of course, there are two groups of people with two different answers to that question. One group would say, "The right answer is YES!" the other would say, "It doesn't matter..."

People fall into two broad categories... the good, and the indifferent. There's a small category reserved for those who actually are (supposedly) bad, but that's something you probably wont meet too often. And the question, I suppose, is which category do YOU fit in? And which do you want to fit into?

And, once more, does it matter?

Friend, I miss you

2006-05-28T23:30:00.000+12:00

We were once good friends
We once walked the same roads
We once talked the same talk
We once laughed the same laugh.

How things have changed, my friend.
How was it a fault of yours or mine?
As the winds change direction
We too now blow different ways

May I still call you my friend?
We meet, we greet, but no more.
We talk no longer about our lives
We are little more than strangers.

Was our friendship but an illusion?
Does it mean nothing to you?
It means something to me, friend
I miss what we once had, together.

Things do not have to stay this way
Yet I hesitate to reach out and call
I fear what I think I will hear
So things remain, much as they are.

Hope

2006-05-23T21:56:00.000+12:00

I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore. Which is good, beacuse I don't really want tons of people reading it anymore...

There are three things one should never do:
a. Take God in vain
b. Dishonour your parents
c. Give someone false hope

Hope!
The jewel of existence
How you glow in the night sky
Your presence lights the way
On the dark, stony road,
hope is the guiding light.

Yet light not another's candle
Just to quench it to utter darkness
For it is better never to have seen hope
than to learn of its falsehood.

Why did you deny it?
You gave me fragile dreams
They have since been shattered.
I see your happiness in them
And the pieces wound mine heart

False hope blinded the obvious
Occluding what was clearly seen
Thoughts now dwell on might have been.

Hope!
How cruel you are
The scum of the universe
You give warmth, but should your light go out
You are bitter to tongue, you stain the heart
Should you be false, you stain the soul.

I am sorry my friend, the fault was ours shared.
Forgive my bitterness, I try to rejoice for you.

Results

2006-01-27T04:42:00.000+13:00

My NCEA Level 3 results are out. They're quite ok, and I'm quite satisfied except for the slightly annoying Biology. I got lower than expected for that, especially as I don't remember it being that hard. Maybe I shouldn't take Health Sciences? Haha.

I watched Donnie Darko, at last. Thank goodness for the wonders of Bitorrent. It's not bad, very deep. I'm told it's similar in flavour to The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I am also looking forward to watching. On a similar note, I'm eagerly awaiting Dear Wendy, which according to informed sources will arrive in half a day. Yikes.

My brother left today for NZ. Spending the new year alone by himself, poor thing. And studying during it too, even worse. I wonder how he is.

By the way, I think naming iPods is one of the weirdest things I've ever heard of.... Iggy....

I'll stop the world and melt with you!

2006-01-17T17:34:00.000+13:00

Lost won the Golden Globes today! Yay!!!! It's been acknowledged as the Best Television Drama Series for 2005!!! Woo hoo! Take that, Desperate Housewives.

I know, my blog's been collecting dust. Surprising? Probably not, if you know me really well. I like doing things for a while, then not doing it for a while. It's a habit I guess. Is it good? Probably not really, but oh well. :-)

Just a few updates on what I've been doing since I got back from New Zealand... went to Singapore and KL for a week. Bought lots of clothes and an iPod! Hehe. 30 GB 5th Generation iPod. One of my favourite possessions as of right now. I've filled it thus far with 1.2 GBs of music videos and songs. Still a long way to go. Hehe.

Then the S'poreans and Mukahinians (is that a word?) and a Bruneian dropped by Kuching and got really, really sunburnt. That was pretty cool, although I must say I was pretty drained after they left.

Next I went to Sibu and Miri for a week to visit my grandparents. Was pretty fun. I ate so much on that trip it's not funny. I really really need to stop eating... aaaaaaaaaaaaaa. But on the plus side I had really really good dim sum in Miri. Very nice.

And now I'm home! Woo hoo! I watched a couple of movies since I got back (on DVDs and in the cinema). Narnia was good (better than I expected), so was King Kong (not as good as I wanted it to be) and just yesterday, I watched Sky High. That was surprisingly good! It's been a while since I've watched a good Disney comedy like that.

And now... I'll stop the world and melt with you! Tee hee.

Tired

2005-11-01T22:17:00.000+13:00

Thought of the Day

This is the way that I say I need you...

-Switchfoot

I didn't post yesterday. Why? I was tired. So tired. I've been tired these past few days. Why? I'm not sure, really... I guess it's partly due to the fact that I sleep pretty late, and I'm a little down these couple of days. If you met me, you probably might not notice I'm down. Sometimes I can be pretty good at hiding things like that. Don't ask me why I'm down, I'm not going to tell you. But I suppose if you had to guess, it wouldn't be all that hard to guess why. And no, it's not exams. I've never really worried about exams.

Paul finshed his exams today. I met him at The Flying Squid just now, at about 3 to 4 o'clock. My brother and I decided to go fish and chips for dinner. Probably not the healthiest thing to do, but it tasted pretty good. Anyways, I met Paul there, and we talked for a while. He seems to be in a reasonably good mood... from the exams being over, I suppose? Good on you, Paulus. Blogging actively now, aren't we?

I read Adrian's blog just now... and he mentions his rather disturbing experience again. Well Adrian, I'm not an expert on this, but I can certainly give you my thoughts on it. Spiritual warfare is a serious and grim reality in our world. It may not be extremely prevalent in New Zealand, but most Malaysians (and maybe Singaporeans, I'm not sure) know that back home, it's a big problem. And I do mean big. What you've experienced sounds extremely similar to thing that I've heard, and my advice to you is do what you've already decided - pray, if it does happen to you again. While I certainly hope with all my heart that it won't, the possiblity remains. Only God know what is coming, right?

Prayer is like a sword in spiritual warfare, and it can get you through even the hardest of times, as long as you have faith that it will. That's perhaps the most imporatnt thing, faith. Even if prayer to Jesus and God seems not to bring any good, have faith. It will work, even though it may not seem like it at first. Why might it not seem to work? Because the Devil wants you to lose faith.

If I were to try and explain it away scientifically, I'd probably say it was a bad dream. There have been cases that people lose temporary control over their bodies when they are in a state of half consiousness, especially when they're slightly awake but not quite fully awake. This occurs because the different parts of the brain have not quite synchronised their perceptions, to but it simply. Meaning, the part of your that gives you the ability to move thinks you're still asleep, but the part of the brain that coordinates the senses of sight, sound etc has awoken. So you've kind of half way between sleep and being awake.

That might have been what you experienced. But having said that, not everything can be explain with Science. And then again, some things can. Who's to say what you experienced was one or the other? Not me, that's for sure. I'm not wise enough, but I'd advise caution.

Moving on to brighter matters, I had my Calculus test today on Complex Numbers. It was pretty fun (God forbid! Hehe... How can a test be fun??) and I think I did it quite well. But I think I did the last question quite unorthodoxly. What do I mean by that? Well, it was one of those multi part questions, where you have to follow the question closely and in sequence to actually get the last question right.

One of those, "Hence, or otherwise..." questions. I think I did the "otherwise" method. I've never been able to think up another method other than the one suggested by the question, but this time I couldn't quite follow the question all through and I finished the paper with a slightly dodgy method of logic. Hopefully it works out. I'd quite like to leave my Calculus class on a high note.

Nadia hasn't blogged since she left. I hope she does... it'll be quite sad not to hear from her until December... I bet she's melting in the heat...

The Longest Post So Far

2005-10-30T22:53:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day
Stop hogging all the awards, Paulie!
-Esther Yap

I have this feeling that this is going to be an impressively long post.

This weekend many things happened. The last meeting of our group, Nadia's birthday, and of course the proposal. I was going to say a lot about the proposal... but I think I probably won't... let's just leave it at I'm glad it's finally done... there's quite a sense of relief that I didn't think I would feel now that they're engaged. I'm actually very proud of Ming. Why? I'm not really sure... but I'm proud of him. You go, man. You rock. For nows, anyways. ;-)

Nadia's birthday went well... the video slideshow did too, for which I'm glad. Not many of you know that I was on the verge of just scrapping the whole project because I was so stressed the night I was doing it. I had it all visualised in my head, but it was so hard to get things to work, there just wasn't enough time. People wouldn't give me photos, I'd lost Paul's ID card which thank God was not really lost, and Alice told me she'd broken up. =( I was seriously on the verge of crying when she said that and I didn't say much about their "breaking up" which I think disappointed her a bit. But I really was taken in... and thank God it wasn't real. Whew.

Man... time moves quickly. It moves very quickly. It seems just yesterday that I first started my life in New Zealand... and now the year is coming to an end. Nadia's leaving tomorrow... not for good, as I keep telling myself, but only for a while. We'll all be back as a G12 next year. And yet... it feels sad. It feels as though something is over. And in a way, we as a G12 are over.

This year is over. Next year... as much as I want things so stay the same, it most likely won't. Some people may not be here, and things will change. We may be reshuffled into new G12s. And I know that will hurt. You guys are very, very special to me, and it'll just hurt. Having said that though... this year has been great. It’s been one of the best years of my life indeed. With its share of ups and downs, certainly, but the ups have been more than the downs, and the ups have been so high that I peeked through the clouds to see to sun and the night sky several times.

It's been great knowing you guys... and to be a little cliche... I'm going to give personal messages to all of you here, right now. It’s something I would’ve liked to do at the last G12 meeting, but I thought I’d leave out because Paulie was going to take ages anyway, so I’d better make mine short and snap.

Let's start with the Ng brothers...

Aaron “Videogamer” Ng. Hmm... Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. You were one of the first people that I knew from our G12, and we met I think 3 years back. You've changed since that 3 years ago, and you've also changed since I met you again at the beginning of the year. I'm not sure if you realised, but when I said I found some people annoying, I included you in my head. But like I said yesterday, you aren't really annoying... it was just that I thought you were. And what everyone has said about you this year is true... everytime I see you, I'm impressed. Because you've changed so incredibly much that it's amazing. You've grown. Do you remember, when I once told you that you were immature? I take it back. You're growing much more mature now... and so quickly that if you stay on this path, you'll become a more mature person than I'll ever be. So keep it up, bro. You'll make it good.

1st place - The Video Gamer Award
1st runner up - The King of Snoring Award
1st runner up - The "I Eat Like A Bird" Award
2nd runner up - The Kindest Person Award

Adrian “Excellente” Ng. Adrian Ng. Hmm. I remember when you were shorter than me... how nice that was. And now you're taller. =) I may be a bit disappointed about my height, but it's nice that you're growing up. You've changed too, Adrian. You may not hear it, as usually people only tell your brother that he's changed, but you have too. At the beginning of the year, I didn't really know you very well, but you did seem to be a little loud and talkative. I remember you trying to keep 20 minutes silence at Ming's house... I'm not sure why, but you didn't quite manage it. And now you're so incredibly quiet at times. I don't know if that good, but quiet people generally are a lot more interesting to talk to, because they tend to think a lot, and think deep thoughts. And you do, Adrian. Incredibly mature for your age, you're a great chap to hang out with. I've enjoyed your company heaps this year... do you remember the papier mache globe that we helped Ming do? That was pretty fun, wasn't it? Good memories... and 500, yeah?

1st place - The Cutest Person Award
1st runner up - The King of Lame Award
1st runner up - The Most Sarcastic Person Award
2nd runner up - The Most Good-Looking Person Award

And now for the Yap sisters...

Esther “ I-wanna-be-quote-of-the-day” Yap. The hipper. The sweet little sister of our G12. The little brother award goes to Adrian, but the sweet, cute little sister award goes to you, Esther. I think of the whole G12, you are the only one whose past I can access without any difficulty. Is that bad? No, it's not. It just means that we know a lot of mutual contacts, and that you must have been incredibly social back home. As you are here, in NZ. You've always been able to make me laugh with your antics, and I agree whole-heartedly with Nadia. You can make comments that just crack me up! My impressions at the beginning of the year was of someone who was pretty quiet and very nice. I teamed up with you for the Bible verse search activity at my very first lifegroup meeting. Do you remember? I'm not sure if you do. I was so afraid of tearing your Bible pages, fine as they were. And since then I've learnt that you're not really quiet at all! Hehe. You've influenced me so much, did you know that? The queen wave, if nothing else... =) Another 500 buddy... a founding member of what I think will be the 500 club of Homegroup.

1st place - The Most Fashionable Person Award
1st place - The Spendthrift Award
1st place - The Hippiest Person Award
1st runner up - The Cutest Person Award

Cynthia “I can’t take buses” Yap. Perhaps the one person in G12 who I spend the most time with, due to the scholarship tutorials. Many good memories there, huh? Remember waiting for my brother at King’s after Calculus? Hehe. Cynthia… the incredibly sincere person who tells me about God, and how He loves me, yet cannot do everyday practical things like take the bus home from Bayfield. Cynthia… the person who went with me to my school formal. Whom everyone I introduced to you said that you were radiant, and friendly and full of life. Cynthia, you’re a great motivation to me. You kind of prove to me that you can live a life that serves God to the very fullest, but also have fun with your friends and laugh and have a good talk. Because sometimes I have a misconception that to live a life with God, you have to be a saint. And I guess that’s not very right, is it? Cynthia, you’re a very very nice person, and I really respect you for all the times you’ve said “No, I can’t go for this” when you need to study. You’re like Nadia in that way, you have the discipline to say no. That is something I’ve never had.

1st place - The "I Eat Like A Bird" Award
1st place - The Most Helpful Person Award
1st runner up - The Most Violent Person Award
1st runner up - The Kindest Person Person Award

Next are Jennifer and Paul… [ In case you didn’t know, I remember the members of our G12 in pairs… it helps for recalling. And for some inexplicable reason, you two are a pair. =)]

Jennifer “Teehee” Chua. A person who I never though I’d get to know well this year, because, as I have said many times, I felt there was a language barrier between us. And how glad I am that I was wrong. Jennifer, you’ve been a great friend this year. You may not know it, but you’ve been a good friend. I remember when we were eating at Tokyo House, I think it was, and the rest were eating a Subway. I ate your peas for you. =) And I told you about how uncertain I was about the future, and you told me that I should just sign up for Health Sci with you and we’d change our minds later, if we wanted to. And that helped a lot. You’ve also showed me that people can be quiet yet have a great impact on others. Because you are quiet. Not really quiet in the normal sense of the word… but quiet when you’re compared to people like me and Paul. Hehe. And even though you’re quiet, I’ve grown to know you better this year. You’re an exception to my personal rule you’ll never really know a person unless they talk a lot to you. You manage to fill up all your sentences with meaning, unlike myself. I tend to speak and speak and most of my words sometimes don’t really have a meaning. Just fluff and flowers, but not much substance. You teach me that sometimes, keeping it short, sweet and simple is good.

1st place - The Picky Eater Award
1st place - The Cartoon Character Lookalike Award
1st runner up - The Most Silent Person Award
2nd runner up - The Most Violent Person Award

Paul “Cialat” Wong. Hmm. Paul Wong. One of the first people from G12 that I met this year, and that was because you’re from the same school as me. The 2 Kavanagh scholars, against the rest, eh? =) Paul… you’re incredibly talented. A great chef, baker, poet, musician. You challenge the stereotype that people who talk a lot usually bore people to death. I’ve never found your monologues boring. Sometimes long winded, yes, but never boring. Paul Wong… the person who has been through more ups and downs than the rest of us combined. And yet you’ve come out stronger and more mature, something that I admire deeply. Admittedly, you crashed and burned for a little while there, but it’s over now. And congratulations, yeah? =) I really, really hope you come back next year. But I guess that’s in God’s hands really. We’ll just have to trust that He’ll send you back here. I know that’s something I’ll pray for.

1st place - The King Of Lame Award
1st place - The King of Snoring Award
1st place - The Most Gay Person Award
1st place - The Most Flirtateous Person Award
1st place - The Most Talkative Person Award
1st runner up - The Best Hair Award
2nd runner up - The Most Sporty Person Award
2nd runner up - The "Lover of Food" Award

Next up… Krystal and Jacob.

Krystal “Hahahahahahahaha” Chan. Krystal was another person whom I though I’d never really get to know. That was because during camp when I tried to talk to her, she seemed to brush me off quite a lot. But I think I must have been imagining it, because I soon got to know her very well. The person I stay closest to, Krystal never fails to offer me a ride home. I’m extremely grateful for that, and for the fact that she makes it seem like it’s not a big deal, although I really do live quite a bit more up the hill than from her place. I remember during the holidays directly after camp, she alone was with the guys a lot of times. She kept saying that she was in the middle of guys and no other girls. We went ice skating, celebrated Joshua’s birthday and watch the Exorcist that week, remember? It was extremely fun. You make events much more lively… and you are very cute, yes. As you always remind us! =) You’ve been a good friend to me, and you’ve made living up in Pine Hill, away from everyone else a lot easier. Taking the bus with you, although it seems less lately, is a very enjoyable thing to do. You also organise birthdays like no one else does, and for that, I respect you. I simply cannot organise anything and have it turn up well! That’s great skill of yours, Krystal.

1st place - The "Laugh Out Loud" Award
1st place - The Most Eager To Get Married Award
1st runner up - The "Lover of Food" Award
2nd runner up - The Cutest Person Award
2nd runner up - The Most Talkative Person Award

Jacob “I don't watch like horror movies” Ong. Jacob Ong… I first met you along with Aaron and Adrian 3 years ago. You were playing BeyBlades. To be honest, I never saw how it could be interesting, but you guys were definitely into it. And that was my first impression of you. 3 years later, you’re not that into BeyBlades anymore. Like many have said, you’re an exretemely quiet chap. But then, when people get to know you, you become less quiet. And then your other side surfaces, the incredibly lame and interesting part. I’ll always remember you as the guy who sends me an SMS whenever I say that no one has texted me… and although I always tell you that you suck, I actually find it pretty funny. Funny cool. A very physical person, at first I didn’t really want to play basketball or any sports with you because I knew for sure that you beat me without trying. But the thing about you is that you always make anyone feel welcome at anything, no matter who they are or their skill level. And for that, I respect you. You’d better be back next year man. Study hard.

1st place - The Most Sporty Person Award
1st place - The "Lover of Food" Award
1st runner up - The Miser Award
2nd runner up - The King of Snoring Award
2nd runner up - The Photographer Award
2nd runner up - The Best Hair Award

Next up the list is Nadia…

Nadia “I whack you” Wong. I’ve spoken about how I first met you before, so I won’t touch on that again. You’ve been a really, really good friend this year. Perhaps more than you realise. But you’re the one person in our G12 that I can talk to about anything in the world. Certain people in G12 I can talk to about jokes, and happy stuff, and other I can talk to about serious stuff that I’ve been thinking a lot about. But with you, anything goes, and you listen and give really insightful comments when I’m serious, and really funny and sometimes lame comments when I’m trying to be funny. And although I complain heaps about your violence, I actually think it’s quite funny and very you. Like you’ve told me, you’re not actually really violent, but you certainly sound it. I enjoyed going up to Christchurch with you, and although I know I annoy you quiet a bit, I hope you have some good memories of me from this year to remember. You’re a very God-Blessed person, you have the ability to make any person feel special and loved. Although I do kind of understand that you don’t like dressing up and dancing, I hope that sooner or later, you will. After all, it’s not that bad, right? =) Do have a safe trip to Singapore, and I hope to meet up with you and Jacob when I’m there.

1st place - The Most Violent Person Award
1st place - The Photographer Award
1st runner up - The Most Sporty Person Award
1st runner up - The "Laugh Out Loud" Award
1st runner up - The Picky Eater Award

Ming “Really? Oh Really?” Lam. Hey Mingus. It’s been great knowing you this year! I’m actually really, really glad that you’re gonna be a part of my family, because I think you and Sze Yin are really suited for each other. It may not seem like I feel that way, but I actually do. In spite of all my sarcastic wit and poking fun at you, I actually do respect you a lot and I’d like you to know that. Hehe. Congratulations again on finally proposing. Thanks for always inviting me over to your flat for biking and helping you out with things like the Homegroup Poster. It was really fun doing that! =) And thanks for teaching me to play the piano, although I think I’m never going to be good at it. I like the piano. Thanks for supporting me in the things that I do. Basically, Mr Lam, you’re a very nice guy who happens to be very easy to tease. So stay the same way, yeah? Both in being nice and being easy to tease. Both are essential to the extremely fun relationship we have now… =)

1st place - The Kindest Person Award
1st place - The Miser Award
1st place - The Most Good-Looking Person Award
1st runner up - The Photographer Award
1st runner up - The Most Fashionable Person Award
2nd runner up - The Most Sarcastic Person Award

Alice "I've got my Ring" Pan. Or otherwise known as Sze Yin! Sze Yin, I’ve actually spent more time with you this year, I think than any other year. The only other family I have in Dunedin other than my brother, you’ve been great in helping me adapt to life in NZ this year. You’re always very encouraging, and there the listen to me whenever I have something so say or to ask you. You’re also very frank with me, which I’m grateful for because it’s so easy to just say nice things but not mean it. And thanks so much for inviting me over to dinner at your place so much! It’s so nice to eat good food for a change… =) I’m going to miss you heaps when you go to Timaru next year… It’s quite saddening to think that I’m not going to be able to walk along Grange Street next year, stop at number 12 and say hi to you or Ming. But I guess everything always changes, right? And sometimes change is for the better. And anyhow, it’s only for a year right? And you’ll be coming to visit every so often? And catch up on Lost? Hehehehehe… and once again, Congratulations On The Ring! Can’t wait for your wedding!!!!!

1st place - The Most Fashionable Person Award
1st place - The Most Good-Looking Person Award
1st place - The Best Hair Award
1st place - The Kindest Person Award

Just for records sake... my awards are:

1st place - The Most Sarcastic Person Award
1st place - The Most Flirtateous Award
1st place - The Most Innocent Person Award
1st runner up - The Most Talkative Person Award
2nd runner up - The "Laugh Out Loud" Award

Wow. This is hands-down the longest post I have ever written. 3432 words long. A grand 6 pages in Microsoft Word.

And to end this off… do you know what I'm listening to? I'm listening to Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends. And the sky's just turned from an incredibly golden hue to being covered with dark clouds.

Wake me up, O Lord, when February 2006 comes. So that I may once again have a beautiful fellowship with these people who mean so much more to me than they think, and so that we may learn more about You together.

McDonald's

2005-10-26T21:53:00.000+13:00

Not be understood, but to understand

2005-10-26T19:21:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day

Esther: 4 NO TRUMPS!

Marcus: 5 SPADES!

Adrian: 5 HEARTS! And my partner is the one with the 5 of Hearts!!

Marcus: Hey! I bid higher!!

Esther: I bid 100 NO TRUMPS!!

Today we finished watching the Passion of the Christ in school. It was good, but I felt that they could have spent more time on the Resurrection. After all, isn't that one of the most important parts of the Christian faith? Hmm.

Brother Shepherd died last Saturday. The school had a mass for him, and it was good. Very simple and very appropriate. I didn't know him at all because it was at the start of the year that he had cancer and stopped teaching, but from what I hear he was much loved and will be missed dearly. I'll be attending his funeral at Holy Name on Friday, as all Year 12 and 13 students are going for the service. A sign of respect and gratitude, if nothing else, for his thirty odd years of teaching at the school.

I followed Kathryn to the Fortune Theatre after lunch today as she had to get a costume for a drama assessment she has tonight. Costume hires are really expensive. She got one from the cheapest range and it was 20 dollars for hire, and 20 dollars as a bond. How scary. How expensive. And the costume wasn't exactly the best, either. It did look pretty good on her, but I think that it wasn't really worth that much money. But that's just me of course, with my stingy outlook on life.

When I got home I slept for about two and a half hours and woke up in time for dinner, which my brother so kindly cooked. I'm finally catching up on my sleep. About time, I guess. That's the price you pay for coming home late one night in the weekend and not sleeping the other night. I should have more sense than that. But having said that, I'd probably do it again if I could.

I'll end off this post with the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi, Brother Shepherd's favourite prayer. I love the third verse. Not to be understood, but to understand. Think about that. Isn't it true, it is better to understand than to be understood?

Lord, make me an instrument of peace.
Where there is hate, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, let me sow...
...a pardon as deep as the flowing sea.

Where there is doubt, let me sow faith;
Where there is despair, let me sow hope;
Where there is dark, let me sow light;
Where there is sadness, let me sow joy.

O loving Lord, may I not seek
To be understood, but to understand;
To be consoled as to console;
Or to be loved but to love all.

For it's in giving that we receive;
It's in forgiving that we're forgiven;
And it's in dying that we are born...
...to eternal life, to eternal life.

Change

2005-10-25T19:49:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day

I can't remember. I was forming thought bubbles, but Esther burst them.

- Jennifer Chua

It's been a while since my last post. The last few days have been really enjoyable... and tiring. I've slept in the wee hours of the morning twice over the weekend and once I didn't sleep at all the whole night. It was enjoyable, like I said, but rather exhausting.

Friday night was Kathryn's birthday. Was rather enjoyable. I spent about an hour or so there drawing on people's bodies. It was quite fun because Kathryn got some scented pens for her birthday which I used, and I ended up writing "I smell good" and "Smell me I'm strawberry", among others, on the legs and ankles of several Jessika, Erin and some others. And then there was the "Sizzling hot. Do not touch. May cause permanent scarring." on Kathryn. Haha.

Saturday... was pretty much uneventful. Went for G12 at Esther's place and left at a reasonable hour.

Sunday... I went to the early mass at church, which was at 7.30 am. Then I went shopping with my brother who later on went to the library for the whole day. I took the bus down after lunch and studyed at the Link for a while. I did some work, then at night, after lots and lots of hurried SMSes flying over Dunedin, Jen, Paul, Esther, Jacob, Adrian and Aaron came for a sleep slash studyover.

That a was pretty good night. Esther, Jacob, Adrian and I didn't sleep the whole night and books were generally untouched the whole time. We played Bridge and 500! It was great... and actualltysurprisingly addictive. I was personally pretty shocked that it was getting bright again, because it seriously felt as though no time had passed at all. I think 500 has become my favourite card game.

I redid the Homegroup '05 - How to Change the World video on Monday. It turned out better than the previous one, and I'm pretty pleased with it. I managed to insert the "I luv U wud U marri Me" photo of Ming during Alice's birthday. I actually meant to insert that photo in the first version, but I missed it out completely. And Ming came out to me later that night goin, "Oh! I see you've left the photo out. Good decision."

How sad that was. I was really, really disappointed that I left out that photo from the video. But it's fixed now. If anyone wants it it's on Ming's computer. Downloading it is not really recommended as it's a hefty 71.74 MB. Pretty big. It's about 8 or 9 minutes with good, solid advice on how to change the world. Honest. I really don't know what sarcasm you're talking about. I went for a bike ride with Ming, Alice and Adrian after I finished the video and then went home and had a good, good sleep.

Luckily enough, I had a free period first thing this morning so I went to school late. My brother kept worrying on the way down that a trye was flat, because the car was tilting at an angle. Which was really weird, because he just pumped it yesterday. So we stopped by a BP station on the way down. The first station had a broken air pump, so we went to another BP on George Street.

We checked the right side tryes because the car was tilted to the right, but it was all fine. So I said, "Let's go check the other side." And the reason the car was slanting was because instead of the 230 kpsi it's supposed to be, it was over 600. My brother had pumped just a little too much air into it. I ended up 5 minutes late to Calculus.

School ends in 2 and a half weeks. How sad is that? I quite like school here. Not that I wouldn't mind a good long end of year break, but it's kind of sad that all these super cool people whom I met this year I'll not study with ever again. Hopefully I'll keep in touch with some of them next year. I really do. But that's life isn't it? Things change. People move on. Nothing ever stays the same. I remember a poem written by Ryan Yeo. It's in my brother's autograph book. I don't really recall the entirety of it, but here's a quote:

Nothing is ever permanent, except change.
Change is the only constant in life.
- Excerpt from Change, by Ryan Yeo

That's so true. Nothing ever stays the same. Will my life be different next year? Yes. Do I want it to be? Not really. I'll leave high school for good. People will disappear from my life. Like they did when I left school last year. But will it be good for me? Probably.

Everything changes.

Music

2005-10-20T22:06:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day

I met this professor of Physics once who had won a Nobel Prize. After his name on his card he wrote "NL" instead of the usual "PhD" crap. "NL" for Nobel Laureate. I guess when you've won a Nobel Prize, doctorates aren't really worth talking about.

- Doc Redshaw.

Moods. People go through so many moods. Sometimes they're angry, sometimes they're sad. Sometimes hey're happy, sometimes nostalgic. Some people have moods that can change as quickly as the weather and others evolve slowly over the week. Still others don't seem to have moods, but actually have moods that ferment in their innermost souls. They just don't show it very much.

Mr Jacobsen has moods. No doubt about that. And lately he's been in an absolutely foul mood. We've been doing nothing but revision in class and we're not alowed to talk. Say one word and you'll get snapped at. So when Kathryn and I were asked to see Mr Kelly during Statistics today we were like "Yes!!!!". We later found out that we actually, *cough cough* had important, pressing business to fulfill in preparation for the Cultural Awards next week so we departed Statistics without any complains at all. Kathryn is smooth, I can tell you that. Veery smooth.

She's a really, really talented person too. She played one of her compositions for me today and it was absolutely beautiful. She can write music, play it and sing it extremely well. Great combination. It was gorgeous, really. I asked her what the name of the song was, and she said she didn't have a name. I guess she hasn't found a name beautiful enough for the song yet. It would definitely be hard to describe it in words.

That's one of the reasons I love music so much. I don't play any instruments (at least not well) and I don't write music, but I love it a lot. Music does so much more than anything else, you can actually describe things better with music than you can with any language in the world, I believe. And what other thing is there that every person in the world can enjoy and like? Music is so precise, too. It's so mathematical and orderly. You can just feel the order and sensibility, and it's actually quite logical, except maybe for jazz, which is rather illogical to my reasonings. There's so many facets to it too. You have so many different types of methods of using it, from therapy to just destressing.

I would really, really love to take it up. It's just one of those things I guess that I want badly but will never get, simply because I don't have the time, or the money to start it. And it's a little late to start at 18, isn't it? It's a pity. A great pity. But I will one day.

That's probably one of my top 20 things to do in my life. To pick up music and play a musical instrument well.

Snooze-daydream-nap

2005-10-19T22:00:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day

What we do is cool the atoms to a very very low temperature to get the Bose-Einstein Condensate. How do we do this? Using lasers. Now, this should seem very strange as sunlight makes us warm, yet we use laser light to cool. *stops* Um, actually... I've been to Dunedin twice before. I've never seen the sun here. So you should know sunlight makes you warm. Just in case you guys don't really see the sun here.

- Carl Wieman

I went for a lecture at St David's today. It was by a Nobel laureate called Carl Wieman, on the Bose-Einstein Condesnate : Quantum weirdness at the lowest temperatures of the universe. It was on the fifth state of matter and was pretty darn good. The guy was very interesting, very easy to understand. I actually understood it, which is always good to know. It made me a lot more interested in doing Physics next year. Not that I wasn't interested, of course. But it made me even more so.

I spent more money today. I need to stop spending. But then it's not as though I'm buying things for myself. My money has disappear mainly because of birthdays. Birthdays are both a blessing and a curse. We got Kathryn a birthday present in town today, and I'm officially broke. I'm just going to bake a cake for Emily's birthday I think. I just can't afford it anymore. It's either that, or just nothing. Simple, really. Money can limit you in that way. People say you shouldn't let money need rule your life, but I can tell you, it's hard to live without money. Very hard.

Guilt plagues me. Why? Because I've not been studying as hard as I should've been these past days. My night study sessions have been more of a snooze-daydream-nap before the big sleep at the end of the day. Bad? I know. I'm ashamed, really. I used to get so much work done at night. and now... I can't.

It's 16 more days to my parents coming down. Which is good and bad. Good, in that it's nice that they're coming. Bad, in that I know that I should practically finish all my studying before they come. I don't think that I'll get much study done when they arrive. I mean, I love my little sister very much, but she's not exactly the best person to have in the house when you're studying.

Solution? Study more now. Practically? That's something that'll never happen. I'll cope. I sincerely hope I will.

Diaries

2005-10-18T21:51:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day

Did you hear that they found bird flu in Greece? That's another whole new reason to avoid Kentucky Chicken.

-Doc Redshaw

There's 29 days to NCEA, apparently. Or so I am told. That's good news. Riiight.

I should write a diary. I've tried it before, but it never really kicked off. There's something about putting your thoughts to paper that changes the thought itself. Don't you think? The first time I tried it was when I was in Primary 6. 12 years old. Why? Well, it was because my dad brought my brother and I to Europe for a visit, and I thought that it would be cool to have a record, a journal of sorts to read back and remember.

I wrote on the first day, made through about three paragraphs then decided to continue the next day. I never did. My first and last attempt at a personal diary. I really admire those who do keep one. It's such a cool thing to do... but requires discipline, which I unfortunately do not possess. I know my brother keeps one, or at least he used to. He probably doesn't, actually, because I've never seen him write in it this year.

How do I know he had one before? Because I accidentally opened it when I was back home. He kept his old diaries in a drawer in his room, which I went through looking for a file. It wasn't on purpose, and I didn't read it, but it was cool. I want a diary. But do I want it enough to keep one? Probably not. Blogging's the only thing I'd ever do close to a diary, but it's just a pale imitation.

But it's cool in different ways.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2005-10-17T20:39:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day
You can’t always get what you want... But if you try sometimes, well, you might find you get what you need.
-Rolling Stones

Those lyrics by Rolling Stones are all that I know of them. Don't really know their music all that well. I'm sure I've heard them before, but I just can't remember which songs belong to them. But I like that quote, because it's so so true.

So many times in our lives we want things. So many times we desire things so badly, so much so that every bit of our soul burns with desire for it. Is the thing we want good for us? Probably not. But we want it, and boy do we want it terribly. It can be anything... to pass an interview, to pass an exam, to ask a girl out or to travel around the world. But no matter how much we want it, sometimes things just aren't meant to be. I mean, it may feel otherwise and things may seem in your favour at first, but then things change.

It's like a drop of water on a propeller. you place it in the middle at the top and watch it spiral down on the surface. At first it seems like it'll reach the end of the propeller without even getting close to the side of the edge. But after a while, after it goes down, it starts to stray. Why does it stray? Because although the propelloer seems to be perfectly smooth and uniform, it's not. There are small defects here and there, small deformities that cause the drop of water to diverge. And because of these unseen problems inherent in the propeller, the drop of water falls off the edge, and never reaches the end.

The propeller, I guess, is a model of things in our lives. Desires, relationships, jobs, you name it. What may start off perfectly well may end up in a disasterous end. Is it the end of the world? Hopefully not. Hopefully, we all have the wisdom, strength and resolution to search for a new propeller. And maybe, with luck, we'll get one that works, and our drop of water will reach the end.

I guess I'm worried that I'm going to choose the wrong propeller and my life will go spiralling into directions I can't take. It's the mystery of life, I guess. You'll never know what a decision will bring you until and unless you make that decision.

And that one small decision might change your life forever.

Who can say where the road goes,

Where the day flows?

Only time...

And who can say if your love grows,

As your heart chose?

Only time...

Who can say why your heart sighs,

As your love flies?

Only time...

And who can say why your heart cries,

When your love dies?

Only time...

Who can say when the roads meet,

That love might be,

In your heart.

And who can say when the day sleeps,

The moon still keeps on moving

If the night keeps all your heart?

Night keeps all your heart...

Who can say if your love grows,

As your heart chose?

Only time...

And who can say where the road goes,

Where the day flows?

Only time...

Who knows?

Only time...

The Road Not Taken

2005-10-16T22:11:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day
M.A.R.C.U.S.: Mechanical Artificial Replicant Calibrated for Ultimate Sabotage
- Valentina Ting

Our guests just left. We had Ming, Alice, Esther and Cynthia up for dinner. We had laksa... quite nice laksa too. Alice supplied the ingredients while we cooked it up at my place. I started cooking at 4, actually. I had to boil the chicken in water and laksa ingredients. For two whole hours. It may not seem like much, but for me it was quite a big deal because I had no idea what to do. When Alice told me what to do the day before, I was like, "Yeap, shouldn't be a problem." But then when it came to doing it... I was rather nervous because I felt I really needed to be supervised. I ended up texting Alice a couple of times asking nervous questions and giving her updates. And yes, it IS possible to burn chicken in boiling water.... take it from me.

Before they left, we were looking out over Dunedin. The view was good, very calming. I've tried capturing it before on camera, but it doen't cut it. It has to be seen, or photographed with a real camera, not a crummy auto-focus digital camera. Not that I don't like my camera, but sometimes I wish I could take better night shots and landscape shots. I like photography. There was one point in my life when I seriously considered being a National Geographic photographer, as I figured that I'd get to travel a lot and take cool photos. I mean... some of the best photos in the world belong to National Geographic.

I want to do so much with my life. I want to accomplish and do so many things I probably will never get to do before the end. And it's just a shame, really. I guess that's why I believe in the motto "Life is too short for regrets" so strongly. Why waste your life regretting things that could've happened, things that might have gone better when you could spend it on things that matter, things that you can change? Admittedly it's hard at times, I can testify to that. There have been many times when I've spent hours and hours on end thinking of the ways I could've have made things better, and made things right. But looking back, I've always found those sessions to be rather pointless.

Actually, pointless is a very strong word. I probably really needed those sessions of pure meditation, to help me overcome my grief and regrets. So regrets are probably important. But don't let it take over your life. Somethings happen, and they may not be the best things. But eventually, it doesn't matter. Why? Well... because life goes on, I guess.

I've wanted to be so many things in my life. And I'm still choosing what I want to do with the rest of my life. It's one of the hardest things I've had to decide. Should I go into research? Be a doctor? A lawyer? A priest? A philosopher? A mathematician? A physicist? A meteorologist?I can see myself as all of these. But do I want it? Is it my future? Is it my path?

I would like to be all of them. I would like to be so many things. And yet, when I finally make my decision, all other paths will close. Will I look back and think one day about the road not taken?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost, 1915.

Studies

2005-10-14T22:52:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day

There are three things in which I take special delight - things that are beautiful to the Lord and man alike:

brothers who get along well with each other,

neighbours who are friends,

and a married couple who are happy together.

- Sirach, 25:1

Today several people talked to me about quotes of the day. And I thought about it, and I decided, well, why not break out of the norm for a day? So today's quote is a verse from the Book of Sirach, which I found especially pertinent. "Brothers who get along well with each other." Take what you will from it, that's enough preaching for today.

McDonald's. Popular? Yes. Healthy? Probably not. I went into MacDonalds once with Jasmine when my cousin was visiting Dunedin, and we were remarking that if we were to meet a food nutritionist in McDonald's, we would so not ever consult him again. Tough stance, but probably true for a lot of people in the world. After all that bad publicity from Super-sized Me, I'm surprised McD's is as popular as it is now. Figures that they have to print the nutritional value of their food on the back of every sheet in every tray they give out. And from that table, it seems like Pump Mineral Water is the healthiest, safest thing to buy.

Having said that though, McD's once in a while is quite nice. Key words being once in while, of course.

I got my end of year report today. It was so-so, not great, not bad either. My grades have definitely fallen from those in the mid-years. Shows you how consistent I am at studying, I guess. It's so hard to be consistent, though. You want to be, you try to be, but somehow you never quite reach it. The most embarrassing thing, though, is that teachers think you are consistent. They assume it, and you just don't want to correct them. I guess I'm really blessed in the sense that I can understand things and grasp things easily.

Most of my classmates try harder than me... I feel so guilty sometimes. It feels wrong somehow, to be able to slack and get good results. It's rather disturbing, especially when you know that you don't really deserve to get good grades and the person next to you does. Damn. I've never been one for memorising and recitation. My method of study has always been to understand and apply concepts. That's why I always sucked at History.

Just the other day I was doing some Statistics Scholarship questions. I was quite pleased that I could actually do them, until I remembered that I freakin pulled out of Stats Schol because I though 5 Schol subjects was too much. Why Stats??? I should have pulled out of Biology. What a waste. What a great, frickking waste. On the bright side, though, I was doing some Physics Schol papers too and hose didn't go too bad. Which is good, because I think I'm going to fail most of my Schol papers. Bugger on my for taking so many. Idiot. Not only did I waste my money, I'm also gong to have to go back home late because of that.

Although... I really hope I can get some passes. I'd love to get an iPod... and so much more. But then, dreams are just dreams, right? Unless you make them come true.

Wikipedia

2005-10-13T23:29:00.000+13:00

Have you ever heard of Wikipedia? It's a free online encyclopedia with remarkably weird and strange entries, along with the usual ones. Like, for example:

The United States is historically remarkable for being the first nation with obese poor people."
- Wikipedia entry

What about more obtuse subjects? Want to know about nose picking?

"... not only is the finger capable of reaching parts of the nose that a handkerchief or tissue is unable to, thus keeping the nose cleaner, but eating the bacteria-rich dried mucus offers a boost to the immune system, and is analogous to immunization..."

Ming would be happy to know. Curious to know more? Go here.

Talking

2005-10-13T19:54:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day

What??? Cynthia wants to wax her arms?!? (Turns around)

Oooh! Can that be quote of the day?- Esther Yap

I went to Starbucks today after school. It was quite good, I guess, although I must say I couldn't see Jacob much at all. Mostly his jacket, but nothing else. Was a little annoying, because I can't talk to someone I can't see. Not easily, anyway. Adrian was quiet, which was a little out of the norm. I guess it's because he had a bad day. Don't worry too much about it, Adrian. It'll be all right... things usually are better than they appear to be. What was Aaron doing? I think he was just drinking coffee, making random comments here and there. I like random comments. I make lots of random comments myself. Apple bee, orange tree, green goose.

Jennifer was drinking mocha, I think it was. Good choice. I like mochas. I think they're my favourite type of coffee. Very full, creamy and satisfying. Cold coffee is good. Wssef was telling me the other day that his heart beats too fast. Why? Because he drinks a lot of coffee. His dad's a doctor, and apparently if you drink coffee cold it doesn't speed up your heart as much as hot coffee. So Wassef's been drinking his coffee cold. How true that is I have no idea, but I do like coffe cold. Although hot coffee on a cold day is simply heavenly.

Esther was talking. So was Cynthia. I think they talked the most today, excluding myself. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just what I noticed. Talking is good, I believe. I know that I like talking. You'll never truly know someone until and unless they talk to you, and you listen. I guess that's why quiet people actually undersand people a lot more than most people would think. They listen, and they drink in what other people say. And they learn.

But having said that, sometimes you just don't want to talk to people. It's not that you're anti-social, or that you don't like the person who's talking to you. But sometimes you're just not in the mood, and the person who's talking to you now is breaking your chain of thought. You haven't seen that person in ages, but you don't feel a pressing need to catch up with him, because you never really knew him all that well in the first place. And you just want to be alone, with your thoughts. But that's not going to happen, is it? Because you're too nice to brush the person off. You don't want to hurt their feelings because, really, they're nice people. But sometimes you need personal time.

I guess that's why I put my status on MSN as "Away" so often. It's not that I'm not there so often, just that I don't want to hurt people's feelings if I don't reply their conversations. It's the way I am, I guess. But then, having said that though, I am away most of the time, so yeah... Don't take this personally, people. Just drop me a line, anyway, and I'll try to reply. I promise. Hehe. Eventually, anyway.

The tension is here... between who you are, and who you could be.
Between what it is, and what is should be...

Sometimes... expectations suck. And I still don't know what I want to do next year.

On a lighter note... bandanana! bandanana!

A small South East Asian dot. Singapore? Not quite.

2005-10-12T22:55:00.000+13:00

Elijah Wood Keeps Faith In 'Different Kind of Heroism'

Go ahead, call him Frodo. Many people on the planet still do. "Oh, it's pretty consistent," Elijah Wood says of being hailed on the street as hobbit Frodo Baggins by "Lord of the Rings" fans. "It doesn't bother me. But it is funny. It's literally everywhere in the world I go." Like on a tiny island in Malaysia, where he was vacationing a few months ago. This Southeast Asian dot on a globe was so small it didn't have a movie theater. "But everybody there knew 'Lord of the Rings,' " Wood says. "It's really amazing."

Well... I'm... uh... insulted? Why go to the small dot?? Sigh... read more here .

Life

2005-10-12T20:03:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day

You are forever in my thoughts. Happy birthday, Ryan. -Crystal Ting

I saw those words when I logged on MSN today. I didn't realise his birthday was around this time at all... how many years has it been? 3? I'm not too sure? It seems so far away. I didn't know him that well, but he was a good friend. Does that make sense? It does to me.

Life is too short for regrets. That's one of my fondest sayings. I was walking down to town with Emily today. We talked about death, of all things. How life is so short, and you never really know when your time's going to come. How you never really know when God's going to say, "OK man, it's time to start walking up the stairs to the Pearly Gates. Look snappy." Apparently one of her family friends died recently, leaving two adorable kids, one eight years and the other younger. Quite depressing topic, I guess, but it came up.

Life really should be treasured. It's something we don't really realise, but life is possibly the greatest blessing we have and we ever will get on this world. And to see people who say that their lives suck is a little sad too. When you say that you can't wait to get into university, and out of high school, for example, that's all fine and dandy I guess, but it's not really living. You can't just live for the next step, you have to live and appreciate what you have now. There's no gift like the present, remember that.

It's like what Mr MacLeod mentioned a while back in class. If you live for the weekends and the holidays, you're not really living. And that's so true. I mean, we all love weekends, no doubt. But if the only time of your life that you truly enjoy is the weekends, that's only 2 sevenths of your life. And the other 5 sevenths? You're just going through the motions, living, but not drinking in life. It's around you, but you're not experiencing it. You have to enjoy everything, not just the times when you're free... or the times when you don't have school or work.

Granted, there are periods where you just can't enjoy life, but usually, those periods aren't quite as bad as we think it is when we look back at them as events past. Granted, sometimes life just plain doesn't go our way. But as Doc is so fond of saying, Well, that's called life, isn't it?

I remember vividly an account I heard about Mother Teresa a couple of years ago, told in church at home.

There was a girl, a refugee, who had just been pulled our of her warn-torn country to a place of safety. She had lost her entire family to the war, and she had seen things that no little girl should have seen. Mother Teresa paid her a visit, to talk to her and console her as the little girl was depressed, sad and cried a lot. The girl asked her, "How can you say that God loves me after all I've been through?" Mother Teresa replied, "The very fact that you're alive now is proof that God loves you."

And how true that is. One of God's greatest blessings to us is life. And how little we really appreciate it.

Why Some Good People Will Not Go To Heaven

2005-10-11T22:26:00.000+13:00

Just a random photo I grabbed from Joan's blog. Haha.

Why?

2005-10-11T19:24:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day

I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory over the holidays, and it is so freaky. Seriously, the Oompa-Loompas freaked me out the most - they broke out into rock song.

- Erin Mackenzie

Why are some people luckier than others? Why are some people more blessed, why do they have gifts more abundant than other less blessed ones? Why is it some people are given the chances, the opportunities that most don't? Why some people find soul mates, why others are crushed time and time again?

Are these lucky few more worthy of it? Are they somehow better than the others? I don't really know. Why some people are wealthy, others dirt poor. Why some people are immensely talented in music, some tone deaf. Why some get chances of a lifetime, while others are stuck in their hole for the rest of their lives. Why some suffer everyday, and others have the times of their lives. I guess, in some morbid way, that it's what makes us unique.

It seems awfully mean to say it, but there probably would be no talent without lack of talent. There would be no light without dark. Would we know what it means to be good at something, if everyone can do it? If everyone could solve mathematic equations in their heads, wouldn't that make it normal? If everyone could compose music on the fly, wouldn't that be awfully banal? I guess that for one extreme there's always another. But even so, it doesn't really explain anything, does it? And it becomes even less easy to talk away to nothingness when it comes to suffering, opportunities and health.

I guess some people deserve to be sick. Some people don't care if they live a healthy lifestyle, and it's their fault. But some don't deserve it. And do those who suffer deserve it? Some do, maybe, but most don't. Why? Why is it that we're living out a good life, and some poor child in Africa is suffering everyday?

In a sense that's probably why we, as people, invented a mobile social hierachy. We need to think that if we tried, we could change our lives. We need to think that although we may not be as lucky or blessed as others, we can change that. We want to think that there's a point in struggling hard to survive in this world. Is there a point? Why don't we all sit back and relax, let the world spin by our faces? Because that would be equally pointless, I guess.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is this - even though it may seem unfair, difficult, hard and altogether frustrating to you right now, don't give up. Don't lose faith. Keep at it. Troubles pass, in time. If you just weather the storm, you'll come out stronger, and more matured. The journey is not all that matters, sometimes the end matters even more. After all, what's the end but a new beginning?

Oh, and I like coffee.

The first day of the rest of my life

2005-10-10T19:50:00.000+13:00

Quote of the Day
Marcus, help me and get rid of my exam... make it snow tomorrow. - Aaron Ng

I wish. Haha. It will snow tomorrow. Please? I like snow.

I didn't go for scholarship tutorials today. Why? Well... many reasons, the most predominant of which being that I had a nagging headache all throughout the day which did not cease until I came home and slept. Which I did, instead of going for Chemistry. No regrets about that one. I was quite happy too that I actually got the 3.27 bus today. I'm so surprised. Usually when I take the bus home, it's always the 4.07 bus because I can never get to town in time for the 3.27. The bus driver loves leaving early, I swear.

So today I'm walking down the hill, trying to predict if I'll get the bus. Then I meet Jacob on the way down, and I was pretty sure then that I'd miss it because I always tend to walk slower and talk more with people around. Made me late a couple of times. Haha. But then as I reach Starbucks I see the big green bus in front of me, crossing from Day and Night to Starbucks. There's a big sign saying "Pine Hill" and I just can't believe it. Heck, there are days when I run down the freaking hill and miss that bus, and today I stroll and it's there. See, I was meant to go home and sleep. Jacob being very nice runs ahead and flags the bus for me. You know how fast I run. I know too. And I get on the bus... yay. I tell you, God wanted me to go home today.

Today I had another externally-cued career crisis again. During Physics today, Michael starts talking to Doc about mining engineering. What's that? Never heard of it myself. Apparently it's a relatively new field in engineering which is in great demand. Michael claims that they're plucking fresh graduates to Australia to do the uranium mines, and it pays heaps. Like a hundred to a hundred and twenty thousand a year for a fresh graduate. That's pretty hefty. Doc thinks that engineering's a good field too, apparently. He has a friend who lectures at Otago Med School and has two kids doing engineering at Canterbury. The guy's not too bad at maths, apparently and he helps out the kids here and there when he can. And apparently engineering (well, some fields anyway) is a lot bloody harder than Med School. As to how true that is, I don't know. But it's something to think about, ain't it?

I'm the first to acknowledge that money isn't everything when you're looking for a career. That's partly why I'm not dead set on the super-guaranteed-courses like Law, Medicine or Dentistry. Interest is important as well, if not more important than the financial aspect. But when I think about it, engineering would possibly have my interests and a good financial future too. Hmm.. it's a hard decision.

Damn UMAT.

Blogthings

2005-10-09T23:01:00.000+13:00

And this is how the holidays end....

You Are 19 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Hmm. Amazingly close. I'm impressed.

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT)

You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!

Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally.

You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.

In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent.

At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia.

With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well.

As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.

On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

The Three Question Personality Test

Oh my goodness. Very accurate. Hahah.

Your Blog Should Be Blue

Your blog is a peaceful, calming force in the blogosphere.
You tend to avoid conflict - you're more likely to share than rant.
From your social causes to cute pet photos, your life is a (mostly) open book.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Yay! It IS blue!! :-)

And let's end off with....

Your Fortune Is

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

How do you know?

2005-10-09T17:58:00.001+13:00

Quote of the Day

Hey... I want my 50 cents... *poke poke* -Adrian Ng

Today's a good day. Why? I'm not quite sure. I guess some things you just feel, not reasons. Like for example, how do you know that the universe is infinite? How do you know that God exists? Faith I guess. You just know.

I live my life everyday, and I enjoy it. But it does feel at times as though I'm searching for something, someone. Like God is telling me that I should never stop looking. It's quite hard to keep looking though. I mean, who wants to spend his whole life looking for someone that doesn't exist. Having said that, though, there's a feeling that I won' have to search much longer. How do I know that? I'm not sure. But I just know.

Search and you will find

2005-10-09T17:48:00.000+13:00

Last night I looked at the sky
As the wind gently rustled by
It was beautiful, it was clear
Though quiet there was plenty to hear

The soft sounds of the city behind
The gentle whispers of the passers-by
The waves on the beach as they rise and fall
I stood and listened, I heard it all.

The lights of the night were bright yet soft
The stars twinkled, so high aloft
The streetlights glowed, smiled at me
I stood and saw, I felt so free.

And yet I searched, high and low
For the person whom I’ll love to know
For the person who’s my type, my kind
For the person who I know I’ll find.

One day.

New look

2005-10-08T17:57:00.000+13:00

I've just spent a bit of my afternoon changing the look of the blog. I'm quite happy with it as it rather fits the new title of it more than a leafy green did. Very icy cold indeed.

Welcome to the Infinite Cold. Haha.

Anyways I need to log off and shower now. I'm gonna be late for dinner... although admittedly my brother's still in the bathroom.

Infinite Cold

2005-10-07T19:41:00.000+13:00

I wonder. Do I like the person who I am? I've tried so hard to mould myself into someone who another person would like to talk to, and be friends with. But I don't know if I like the person I've become.

I've changed so much. So different from whom I was 4, 5 years ago. Would I like myself if I met myself today? I don't know. Every year, I take a part of myself and change it. Or at least I try to. And sometimes I think that I'm living a lie. Because am I really what I appear? Maybe. But there are definitely times when I'm not sure.

There's a song inside of my soul

It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again

I'm awake in the infinite cold

But You sing to me over and over again

And still sometimes, there's a longing.

36 Doughnuts

2005-10-07T19:15:00.000+13:00

I've broken my promise not to blog again this year. Why? Well. I don't know. Life grows on you and things change, don't they? What used to be isn't anymore and sometimes you yearn for what's past. Plus, there was Adrian Ng who keeps askng me if I've updated my blog, and man is he a good persuader.

And cute too. How cute? Today we went to buy some doughnuts from Dinkum Donuts just down the lane and the lady there asks, How many, sweetie? Adrian goes first. Thirty, he sez. The lady smiles at him and ends up giving him 36, cos Honey, the first few don't look too good. Just throw them out, dearie, if you don't like them. She smiles at him. I tell you, Adrian's cuter than most people give him credit for.

Been watching movies recently. A Walk to Remember pops to mind. Why? Well, I'm afraid that I've been watching it a lot lately. Four times? Perhaps. Once with Adrian (cos everyone else was sleeeeeping) once with a couple of others, once with my brother and once alone. Well. In no particular order, right?

Hands on Statistics

2005-03-28T00:16:00.000+12:00

This is my Statistics teacher, Mr Jacobsen, trying to teach us that there is a relationship between the height of water above the ground and the speed it falls to the ground.

Didn't work too well.

Tramp

2005-03-27T23:56:00.000+12:00

I went on a tramp yesterday, somewheres up the Otago Peninsula. Wrong day to do it, as it was really cold. And, I wore the wrong shoes... but it was pretty fun!

Sports Day

2005-02-23T09:27:00.000+13:00

I get the impression that I'm not supposed to be here...

I'm in a computer lab now, with half of my class. But the other half, and the teacher, are nowhere to be seen. Are we supposed to be somewhere else today? Damn. Oh well...

Last Friday was Sport's Day. Or rather, Sports Athletics Day. That's what they call it here... kind of redundant, perhaps? Quite likely... but then, suit themself. It's no nevermind to me. We had it at the New Caledonian Grounds near Logan Park High School. It was a bloody cold day. It was sunny, yeah, but for some reason, the first part of the day was bloody freezing. I ended up not wearing any house colours as I did not have a nice, thick white jacket. (My house colour is white, you see.)

It was... interesting, I guess. But then, also a little weird... people here don't seem to take Sports day half as much as seriously as we do back home. Back home, we practise weeks and weeks before it, right? Well, I don't think they do the same here. Some of the discus throwers were just plain sad... I don't know why... or how to explain... but if you saw the discus flying that day, you'd probably go, "Oh Gawd!"

But there were some good athletes there, too, I guess. Not that I strained my eyes looking for them.

My house, Gabriel, got second. Not quite Henry House back home, I guess, but not bad. If we get enough points during Kavanagh Day, we might win the overall championship.

Hi blog!! Remember me? Yeah? Yeah! I missed you too? Serious?

2005-02-11T10:08:00.000+13:00

Whoop tee do. I spent a good part of one night typing into my much missed blog, only to find that the stupid Blogger server is DOWN. And that makes that night just plain... wasted...! Oh well.

I'm in school right now. Study period. We were supposed to have Religious Education (RE) this period, but apparently there's been a mistake in our timetable. And so, I'm free. Kind of, anyway.

I've been enjoying myself (mostly) here in New Zealand. People are in general friendly and nice to me. Which I can assure you is a good, good thing. Especially if you're me. ;-) Classes here are different, but not a bad different. But one thing I still do not quite like is the fact that school here breaks off at 3.20. Pm. That's like 3 hours more than back home....! Arrgh. I like my afternoon nap. And what's worse, is that the bus I take home leaves at 3.27. Which gives me 7 minutes to run down a steep, steep hill, around several corners and down the street to reach the bus stop after school. Or, alternatively, I can take a leisurely stroll down the hill to catch the 4.07 bus. Which leaves me even less time to nap in the afternoon! Wow! So fun, yeah? :)

Don't mind my complaining, though. I actually find it quite fun. Yeah, serious. No, I'm not sarcastic. What, don't believe me?

Chinese New Year Eve... there was a celebration of sorts down at the centre of town, which is also known as the Octagon. It was OK I guess, but 2 extreremly horrible performances stuck in my mind : One was a nice, kindly, grandfatherly old man who sang us a Chinese song. All fine and well, except that his singing is comparable to that of the frogs back home who sing at the Sarawak Club Karaoke Lounge. Aha! That's probably why it's raiiiniiing today.

The other was a nice old lady, grandmotherly, sweet who tried to play us a nice piece of music with a traditional Chinese instrument. It's like a banjo with 3 strings. That's as best as I can describe it. And the tue was nice, but it was kind of marred by the fact that between every string she plucked was about a second of silence. So you could here it go twang twang twong twing so slowly that she probably dragged a 3 minute long song to about 6 to 7 minutes.

But, I'm being mean. The fact that they actually performed was nice, I think. Especially considering they're not exactly in their sweet sixteens anymore. Anyway, I should stop now. Looking at what I've typed... I really don't want this to end up like Andrew's 1000 page long blog entries... ;-) Hehe. Cya.

T.I.T

2004-12-10T00:22:00.000+13:00

I just had my operation done today. It's called T.I.T in short - Trimming of the Inferior Turbinate. The turbinates are tissues in the nasal cavity that warm the air that we breathe in. Unfortunately, I suffer from several allergies, resulting in the trubinates being inflammed more or less permanently, blocking my airway. Thus, I had to have the largest turbinate (we have 3 on each side) trimmed (or rather, removed).

I had my pre-ops yesterday (consisting basically of x-rays, check-ups and stuff) and I had the actual operation today. I was opperated on by DR Kho, a ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist).

I went to Normah this morning, reaching approximately 7.30. staff were quite nice, and the oparation stated at 8.30 and I emerged from the Operating Theatre about 9.45. The actual operation was actually very fast, and since I was under general anaesthesia, I didn't feel much during it. I spent most of the time in the recovery area of the theatre, apparently.

When I was pushed back to the ward, I had this blistering headache and was bleeding a flood through my nose. Talk about the worst nosebleed I ever had. Since the operation was done through the nose holes, they couldn't stitch it up and I have an open wound inside the nose. It's still bleeding now, but I've been discharged (at last!). So right now anyway, I need to sit next to a box of tissues to take care of the excess blood.

I have the turbinates that they cut with me now, they look quite disgusting actually. But I may put up some pictures tomorrow! :D